Victor Hugo died in 1885, so I don’t think he’ll mind too much if I have a little fun with his great story Les Miserables. My version is pretty close to the original, except that Donald J. (Jean Valjean) Trump is the bad guy.
The Miserable
Our story opens on Donald Jean Valjean Trump, a wealthy real estate mogul who is convicted of 34 counts of fraud, and is sentenced to spend just one day in prison. “I hope that just one day in prison,” says Judge Merchan, “will be enough for you to see the error of your ways, and turn your life around.”
Outside the courtroom after the trial, Valjean constantly complains that he’s innocent. He didn’t commit any fraud. All he was trying to do was to give a little bread to a poor starving porn star named Fantine, and her poor starving daughter, Cosette, who reminds him of his own daughter, who he has always wanted to bang. With the help of cult members, Valjean escapes the court house, but the court deputy Alvin Bragg vows that he will someday recapture him.
Valjean gets a job as a banquet waiter at a fancy hotel in Florida and steals all the silverware. Using the money he got for the silverware and the pseudonym Jean Barron, he goes on to hawk every snake-oil product he can find – Barron Wine, Barron Bibles, Barron Sneakers, Barron Cologne, Barron Steaks, a Barron University Doctor of B.S Degree, and red Barron University Base Ball Association caps, (with BUBBA embroidered on them). He becomes very wealthy. So wealthy, in fact, that he runs for President of the United States, and with the help of 10,000 stand-up comedians and one Russian Dictator, he actually becomes the President.
His term as President is, quite frankly, Miserable. His first decision, to give the ultra-rich a tax cut, is a disaster for the economy and the National Debt Grows. Then, a worldwide epidemic wipes out over a million Americans. On top of all that Inspector Mueller in the Justice Department recognizes him from his past and starts investigating all his shady business deals. Valjean winds up being impeached, but he convinces the Senate to look for evidence of his innocence on Hillary Clinton’s laptop computer. They can’t find the laptop, so they acquit him. However, the American public is slowly turning their back on him and they vote him out of office. But he likes being in office. He can play golf everyday, while a group of Secret Servicemen make sure that none of the many people he’s screwed in his life can get near enough to kill him. So, he reveals his true identity as D VJ Trump and asks for his old cult followers to storm the Capital and change the election results to make him the winner. The coupe fails, and he is once again impeached. His unpaid lawyers tell the Senate that he was only trying to bolster tourism in Washington, D.C. The Senators don’t believe this, but they acquit him anyway since he was now living in Florida with Rudy Giuliani, and they figured that was enough punishment for anyone.
Over the years, Cossette married Jared, and Trump realized that he would never be able to bang Cossette while Jared was around, so the only thing he can do to feed his ever-expanding narcissistic appetite is to run for President again.
Then Alvin Bragg shows up to arrest him, but Trump gets a Saudi Arabian Prince and an unnamed Russian to put up a bazillion dollar bond to keep him out of jail pending appeal.
Finally, there is fighting on the street between regular citizens and Trump loyalists. Trump rushes out to encourage his cult members, but he is tackled by his former lawyer, Michael Cohen, and an angry group of unpaid lawyers, who beat the shit out of Trump, and then beat the shit out of his shitty diapers. Alvin Bragg stops the fight and Arrests Valjean.
Alvin Bragg is sitting in a chair next to a bed where Trump is handcuffed. It is his deathbed, and he still denies ever doing anything wrong. He calls his wife Melania to join him at the hour of his death, but she is visiting her lawyer to make sure that her share of the will is insured. So, Trump asks for his daughter to join him, but she’s avoided his lecherous advances all her life and won’t let him score in the end. She tells him that she has children of her own and must go to a PTA meeting. Then his son Eric shows up, and Trump says, “Who are you?” and dies and farts loudly.
The End.
I know. It needs work, but at least it has a happy ending.
Peace & Love, and all of the above,
Earl
earlthepearl137 