Conspiracy Theory

I’ve been reading about conspiracy theories, and I find it’s a very hard subject to figure out.  The reason is because of the vast amount of misinformation that floods the Internet.  How can you tell what’s true, anymore?

Fox News Channel represents the Right, and MSNBC represents the Left.  So, you’re not going to get the straight truth from either of them.  I haven’t figured out who, if anybody, accurately represents the middle yet.  So, I look elsewhere for the truth, but I can’t find it.

Social media is definitely not the place to find the truth.  The posts on Facebook, seem to represent only far right or far left ideas.  There’s very little middle ground.  Yes, there are a few people who still post recipes and pictures of their cats, but most of the posts are political, and they are mostly extreme viewpoints.  Full disclosure – My own opinion almost always sides with the left.  So, when I hear the things that the far right Q Anon people believe, the first thought that comes to my head is that these people must be very stupid to believe such bullshit.

The second thought that comes to my head is that I know some of these people.  They are friends of mine, and they’re not stupid people.  So, why do they believe such utter nonsense, like stories about the Clintons and Obamas drinking baby’s blood in the back of a Washington D.C. pizzeria to keep them from aging.  Maybe Michelle Obama doesn’t look like she’s aging, but that’s because she’s into vegetables and exercise.  Have you seen the Clintons and Barrack Obama lately?  They’re aging.  The mysterious Q is just making stuff up and telling it to some very gullible people who believe it.  That’s it.  The people who believe these conspiracies aren’t necessarily stupid.  They are just gullible.  Actually, they might be both stupid and gullible, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, but my question is why are the rest so gullible?

I think that the answer is conditioning.  Americans have been programmed to be gullible since they were little, tiny children.  We all were told that if you’re a good child, Santa Claus will bring you presents for Christmas.  And you can’t fool Santa Claus.  He sees you when you’re sleeping.  He knows when you’re awake.  He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.  If you’re a good child, the Easter Bunny will bring you colored eggs and candy for Easter.  We found out quickly that you can fool him though.  He’s just a rabbit.  He brings eggs and candy treats to everyone, good or bad, unlike Santa who will bring you only coal if you are bad.

The gullibility conditioning goes on and on throughout childhood.  If you get out of bed at night, the boogieman will get you.  If you lose a tooth, you can put it under your pillow, and the Tooth Fairy will give you money for the tooth.  And when you’re too old to believe in Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or the Boogie Man, or the Tooth Fairy, parents play the ace they’ve had hidden up their sleeve.  They play the God card.  There is an invisible man in the sky who is so powerful that He made the entire universe in 6 days.  He’s keeping an eye on you, and you can’t hide from Him, because He sees everything.  He can even see through lead, something that even Superman can’t do.  If you’re good, He’ll take you to a magic place full of angels called Heaven.  If you’re bad, He’ll send you to an awful place full of devils called Hell.  And you can never grow out of that conditioning, like you grew out of believing in Santa.  God is a forever fantasy.  Even your parents still believe in Him.  He’s supposedly been around for eternity, and He’s supposedly everywhere, yet nobody’s ever seen Him.  He’s the gullibility jackpot, with an approval rating of about 85% in America.

So, we’re taught from childhood to have blind Faith, and to believe in things that don’t make any sense at all.  Santa drives flying reindeer and can visit every house on the planet in one single night.  A bunny knows how to weave baskets, dye eggs, and make delicious marshmallow peeps.  Boogie men are invisible, but they can still bite.  The Tooth Fairy know when every single kid on the planet loses a tooth, and can be at his house that night.  God created everyone and He loves everyone, but He also created things like cancer and Covid 19 to kill us, so don’t even try to figure Him out.  It’s all part of His glorious plan, which we can never understand, but we can make Him change the glorious plan for the Universe if we pray hard enough.

We’ve been brought up to believe a lot of utterly ridiculous nonsense.  So, it’s no wonder that 2% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 believe that the Earth is flat, not round.  When somebody with the penname Q says he saw the Clintons and the Obamas slurping down baby blood smoothies in a pizzeria in D.C., it’s no wonder that some people actually believe it.

This isn’t new.  My generation was sure that Paul McCartney died decades ago in a car crash, because he was the only one who was barefoot on the Abbey Road album cover.  We found our absolutely 100% convincing evidence by playing Beatles records backwards.  None of us were considered stupid, but we sure were very gullible, despite the fact that back then we did have a news source we could trust.  We had Walter Cronkite.

Be kind to the gullible, especially the young ones.  Just “pray” that they grow out of it.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

Ode to Twenty-Twenty

A year ago, we rang in Twenty-twenty,

A year that brought us trouble a plenty.

It brought in with it the Covid-19 flu,

And we wound up in lockdown with nothing to do.

Trump said it was nothing, but Fauci was wiser.

So, we put on masks and used hand sanitizer.

We were all on our own, taking care of ourselves.

Purell, bleach, and toilet paper flew off the shelves.

Parents became teachers; schools closed in each town.

The only good news was school shootings were down.

There was a limit on the number of people allowed in a room.

To see friends and neighbors we had to use ZOOM.

It was months before we could go out to eat,

Even then, we all had to eat on the street.

Sporting events weren’t allowed to have fans.

Cardboard cutouts soon filled up the stands.

Tensions ran high; racial peace was shattered.

People turned to the streets to prove Black lives mattered.

There were protests, and riots, and looting, and more.

While we wore out a path to our hard liquor store.

Trump couldn’t believe his re-election would fail.

Until Biden surprised him with a flood of snail mail.

But Trump wouldn’t concede.  He made legal noise,

With Rudy Guilianni, and the help of Proud Boys.

Soon people cared less, which one was elected,

When a vaccine for Covid, was finally perfected.

So, as the new year begins, we’ll all raise glasses,

And tell Twenty-twenty to kiss all our asses.

Happy New Year to Everyone.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

The Continental Divide

Continental Divide

Back when I went to school more than a half century ago, we learned that the Continental Divide is the principle hydrological divide of the Americas.  In plain English, that meant that the U.S. waterways west of the Divide basically flowed into the Pacific Ocean or the Bering Sea.  The U.S. waterways east of the Divide basically flowed into the Atlantic Ocean or the Gulf of Mexico.

Today, the Continental Divide is a question.  It is not a geography question.  Today, the Continental Divide is a social question.  Do Black lives matter?  The United States was formed by rich white folk, for rich white folk, so, the simple answer to the question is “No”.  Unless you like to listen to music.

If you like music, then Black lives do matter.  From Jazz to Motown to Hip Hop, Black Americans were the backbone of American music.  Where would our music be without, Dizzy Gillespie, Ella Fitzgerald, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Nat King Cole, Sammy Davis, Jr., Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, Ray Charles, Billie Holiday, James Brown, Chuck Berry, Michael Jackson, Prince, Aretha Franklin, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Whitney Houston, Thelonious Monk, Jay-Z, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Eubie Blake, Wynton Marsalis, George Clinton, Muddy Waters, Isaac Hayes, Erykah Badu, Otis Redding, Lauryn Hill, Count Basie, The Notorious B.I.G., Tupac Shakur, Ma Rainey, Mariah Carey, Robert Johnson, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Ben E. King, the Drifters, the Coasters, Jelly Roll Morton, Tina Turner, Charlie Parker, Nina Simone, Bessie Smith, Janet Jackson, Mary J. Blige, Alicia Keys, Kanye West, Little Richard, Kendrick Lamar, and Marian Anderson, to name just a few American black musicians?

Maybe you don’t listen to music.  So, then Black lives don’t matter, unless you like comedy.

If you like comedy, then Black lives do matter.  Where would our American comedy be without Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey, Cedric the Entertainer, Redd Foxx, Bill Cosby, Katt Williams, Tracy Morgan, Chris Tucker, Mike Epps, Arsenio Hall, Leslie Jones, Eddie Griffin, Mo’ Nique, Moms Mabley, Charlie Murphy, Marlon Wayans, DeRay Davis, Patrice O’Neal, Sherly Underwood, Michael Che, Bruce Bruce, David Alan Grier, Lavell Crawford, Paul Mooney, Flip Wilson, Jamie Foxx, Sinbad, Tom Davidson, Tyler Perry, Aries Spears, Sommore, Nipsey Russell, Luenell, Jay Pharoah, Shawn Wayans, Whoopi Goldberg, Dick Gregory, Wanda Sykes, D. L. Hughley, Robin Harris, Tiffany Haddish, Bill Bellamy, Deon Cole, Keenan Ivory Wayans, John Witherspoon, Robert Townsend, and Hannibal Buress, to name just a few American black comedians?

Maybe you don’t like music or comedy.  Then Black lives don’t matter, unless you like sports.

If you like sports, then Black lives do matter.  Where would our American sports be without Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Muhammed Ali, Jesse Owens, Michael Jordan, Serena Williams, Althea Gibson, Arthur Ashe, Wilma Rudolph, Bill Russell, Jack Johnson, Tiger Woods, Jim Brown, LeBron James, Jackie Joyner Kersee, Kobe Bryant, Tommie Smith, Hank Aaron, Magic Johnson, John Carlos, Florence Griffith Joyner, Joe Louis, Gabby Douglas, Venus Williams, Willie Mays, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Simone Biles, Alice Coachman, George Foreman, Wilt Chamberlain, Walter Payton, Barry Bonds, Colin Kaepernick, Jerry Rice, Barry Sanders, Carl Lewis, Fritz Pollard, Cheryl Miller, Lisa Leslie, Sonny Liston, Bo Jackson, Charles Barkley, Satchel Paige, Mike Tyson, Michael Johnson, Joe Frazier, Emmitt Smith, Curt Flood, Sugar Ray Robinson, Charlie Sifford, Ernie Davis, and Tony Dungy, to name just a few American black athletes?

Maybe you don’t listen to music, or like to laugh, or enjoy any sports besides ice hockey and Curling.  Then, Black lives don’t matter, unless you like movies.

If you like movies, then Black lives do matter.  Where would American movies be without Denzel Washington, Forest Whitaker, Sidney Poitier, Samuel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman, Will Smith, Cuba Gooding, Jr., James Earl Jones, Danny Glover, Laurence Fishburne, Ossie Davis, Terrence Howard, Louis Gossett, Jr. Richard Pryor, Wesley Snipes, Billy Dee Williams, Jamie Foxx, Michael Clarke Duncan, and that’s just a few of the male American black actors?  Black America also gave us Halle Berry, Angela Bassett, Viola Davis, Kerry Washington, Diahann Carroll, Dorothy Dandridge, Taraji P. Henson, Regina King, and, of course, Oprah Winfrey, Cicely Tyson, Octavia Spencer, Queen Latifah, Phylicia Rashad, Lena Horne, Jennifer Hudson, Hattie McDaniel, and Whoopi Goldberg to name just a few American black actresses.

Maybe you don’t listen to music, or like to laugh, or watch sports or movies.  Maybe you are just an asshole who doesn’t like anything.  If you’re an asshole, who doesn’t like anything, then Black lives don’t matter, unless you like money.

If you like money, then Black lives do matter.  Where would the American economy be today without the millions of slaves who worked hard to build the economy of this young country, even though they personally didn’t get a share of it.

Where is the Continental Divide?  It used to run through places like Montana, Wyoming, and Idaho.  Now, it runs through the minds of Americans.  It is the separation between those who realize that it took a lot of Americans from a lot of different backgrounds centuries to make this country great, and those who think that our greatness was built in the last three years by some guys wearing red hats.

Black lives matter.  White lives matter.  Yellow lives matter.  Brown lives matter.  Red lives matter.  One Orange guy, well, his life matters, too, until November.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

 

 

 

The Sounds of Silence

Naturally, I’m a big fan of writing, but some of my favorite writing is not designed to be read in a quiet well-lit room.  It is meant to be spoken aloud.  I like listening to speeches.  They’re not always the work of one person.  Some are, but most require the combined efforts of many speech writers, and this collaboration only helps to make them better.

When we remember famous people, we often link them to their most famous speeches.  Think of Martin Luther King, Jr. and you will recall his “I have a dream” speech.  Think of John Kennedy and you may recall the words from his inaugural address, “Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask what you can do for your country.”  Think of Jesus, and the word of the Sermon on the Mount might spring into your memory.  “Do unto others, as you will have them do unto you.”  That was a classic speech.

Abraham Lincoln is linked to a classic speech of his own, his “Four score and seven years ago” Gettysburg Address.  That’s probably one of the rare speeches that many people have memorized in its entirety.

Some memorable moments from famous speeches turned into moments that the speakers would probably wish we would forget.  George H.W. Bush was haunted by his “Read my lips.  No new taxes” speech.  Bill Clinton gave many great speeches, but the line he spoke that most of us remember is “I did not have sex with that woman.”  Richard Nixon is linked to the ironic phrase from his “Checkers” speech, “I am not a crook.”

Some great speeches were delivered by actors, and I don’t just mean the speeches of Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I’m talking about actors in movies.  Michael Douglas in The American President, letting Sen. Bob Rumson know that “this is a time for serious people and your 15 minutes are up.”  Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday encouraging his team to “fight for every inch,” and the future “Senator” Blutarsky mobilizing his frat brothers with his stirring oratory, “Nothing is over until we decide it is.  Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?”

Bluto's speech

I like speeches and this month I am getting plenty.  We have both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions providing dozens of them.  I don’t always agree with the speakers, but I enjoy watching them try to build their cases.  Normally, the speeches at a convention take 3-4 times longer than they should.  Every sentence is punctuated with phony “spontaneous” applause and cheering.  This year is different.  The virtual conventions are providing noise-free speeches.  Nobody is hooting, hollering, waving a sign, or releasing red, white, and blue balloons during the speeches.  There are no interruptions for incessant cheering.  All we get is the message.  We can agree or disagree, but, this year, we are getting the words without all the noise, the thin silver lining in the big dark Covid cloud.

You can now go to YouTube and listen to all the convention speeches in just minutes instead of days.  You can find the message that resonates with you, and, like Simon and Garfunkle, visions can be planted in your brain, within the sounds of silence.  Then all you have to do is vote, and that is how you can make your own speech and let your voice be heard.

 

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

 

 

Stranger in Paradise

Stranger in Paradise

Since mid-March, I’ve been spending a lot of time at home.  Haven’t we all?  One of the things I’ve been doing to prevent “cabin fever” is spending time in my backyard, and, there, I’ve been accompanied by my music.

When I was a little asthmatic boy, the doctors suggested to my parents that I should play a wind instrument.  I chose the clarinet, because it was light and easy to carry.  I took lessons for years, but pretty much wasted the money my parents were paying for those lessons.  I never really got any good at playing the clarinet, and I never showed any signs that I would ever get better at it.  However, my lungs were getting stronger, and I was getting bigger and healthier.  The clarinet seemed to have had its day with Benny Goodman, though, and I was tired of it.  So, I asked my parents for a saxophone.  The saxophone was one of the popular instruments in Rock ‘N’ Roll.  The other was the guitar, but I had no aptitude for that instrument.  At least the saxophone was something like the clarinet.  Much to the annoyance of my neighbors who had to listen to me practice, my parents bought me the bigger, louder instrument.

Of course, I wanted to be in a Rock ‘N’ Roll band, and, so, I joined one.  Since none of the other band members wanted to sing, and there were only a handful of instrumentals, the job of lead singer became mine.  They let me play my saxophone on two songs, Tequila by the Champs and Summertime, from the musical Porgy and Bess.  I wasn’t very good at those two songs, but it didn’t matter since we rarely played them in public.

Then I joined the Navy and as soon as I got to boot camp, I auditioned for the Boot Camp band.  They really weren’t that picky, so I got in.  They really weren’t planning ahead too well, either, when they accepted about a dozen saxophone players for a marching band that only really needed about four.  So, I was in the band, but I never played a note.  That didn’t matter to me though, the important thing was that I wound up in a company composed of musicians, and other “special” people.  We had guys on the precision drill team, and other people of dubious special talent, who were not in the service for our ability to lay waste the enemy.  For us it was Boot Camp Lite.  Every time our company was scheduled for the obstacle course, I told our Drill Instructor, Gunner’s Mate Chief Jordan, that I had band practice.  I never once had to go on the infamous obstacle course.

After that, I didn’t play an instrument for 45 years.  Then I moved to Lancaster and decided to give it another try.  I bought a clarinet and saxophone, but they sat in the closet until Covid-19 hit.  During the first few months of isolation, I started to play both instruments, and for a laugh I posted songs on Facebook.  It didn’t take me long to reach the same level of mediocrity that I had attained as a child, but, this time, it was fun.  And now we have YouTube.  There were dozens of videos available to teach me the things that poor Don Felice Alfino struggled in vain to teach me as a child. I can now play 7 notes on the saxophone that I didn’t even know existed back then.  I found “back-up” tracks on the Internet that allow me to play along with other musicians.  The “Music Minus One” orchestra contains every instrument but the saxophone.  So, theoretically, the orchestra is complete when I play along.  Theoretically, that is.  They usually finish a song when I am about 3/4s of the way through it.  It’s going to take some time for me to actually be able to play with them, but time seems to be the one thing we all have plenty of.

I may not sound too good yet, but I bought a couple different background cloths that, at least, make me look good, and as Billy Crystal would say, it’s better to look mah-vel-ous than to actually be mah-vel-ous.

 

Billy Crystal
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE — Episode 17 — Pictured: Billy Crystal as Fernando Lamas during “Fernando’s Hideaway” skit on April 13, 1985 — Photo by: R.M. Lewis Jr./NBC/NBCU Photo Bank

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

 

Product Placement

We’ve gotten used to seeing Product Placement in the movies and on TV.  There was even a movie that was totally financed by products strategically placed in the movie.

Greatest Movie Ever Sold

But now this trend seems to be spreading to the oval office.

We’re building the wall, and Goya is paying for it.

But, Americans should know that Product Placement in the Oval Office is nothing new.  Presidents have been using their Office to shill for many products over the years.

Bush - Texas chainsawClintons - Magic ShopGeorge Washington - DentistryJimmy Carter - Billy BeerLincoln - HaberdasheryObamas - Fake IDRon and Nancy Reagan - ClairolTeddy Roosevelt - Rough Rider CondomsThomas Jefferson - Slave Auctions

And now even Presidential hopefuls are getting in on the action.

Joe Biden with Mask

Do you keep accidentally sticking your foot in your mouth?

Then, do what I do.  Wear a Johnson & Johnson Mask.

So, America, don’t be worried by recent product placements in the Oval Office.  It takes a lot of money to fund a Presidential campaign, and corporations are just trying to help us out.

Buy America.  Uh, I meant, Buy American.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

 

 

Tag Team Politicians

 

Kanye West and Trump

Did you hear that Kanye West is now running for President? I think it’s a conspiracy that he cooked up with Donald Trump. I don’t think Trump has to worry about anyone in his fanbase switching their vote to Kanye, but, I bet they’re hoping to siphon off many of the Black votes that would normally be cast for Joe Biden. I hate to admit it, but I think it’s actually a clever maneuver. It’s double clever, because Joe can’t counter the move. Which Biden supporter could enter the race, to siphon off Trump votes without costing Biden votes? I can’t think of anybody.

But there is something spectacular that Biden could do. I double checked the 22nd Amendment. He could ask Barack Obama to be his running mate. Obama can’t run for President again, but he can run for Vice-President, or any other elected office he chooses. During the current “Perfect Storm” of crises I’d much rather see a team in the White House that has proven that they can weather serious storms, than reality show stars, who only cause storms. It’s time for the American people to value competence over TV fame in their elected officials. I think that Biden-Obama would be a winning team. They might not get the Kardashian vote, but they’d get my vote, the Democrat vote, the Black Vote, some Republican votes, and probably Taylor Swift’s vote, too.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

My First Car

The online group, which is helping me find a silver lining in these days of isolation, posed the question for today.  What was your favorite car?  I was reminded of my first car.
Well, as some of you may know, the last time I drove a car, Jimmy Carter was the President.  I just didn’t enjoy all the driving restriction here in the U.S., not after experiencing the ultimate freedom and joy of driving in Germany, where, there was basically just one rule, at the time I was there, try not to kill anybody.  Of course, even that rule was more or less just a guideline when you were driving on the world-famous Autobahn, where car crashes involving more than a hundred cars were not uncommon.
Crash on Autobahn
 
I didn’t have a car when I was a kid growing up in South Ozone Park, New York.  After joining the Navy, I drove my girlfriend’s car in Florida, after she patiently taught me how to drive it.  I drove a military jeep in Alaska, but I didn’t get a car of my own until I was in Germany.  I bought my first car for 90 Deutsche Marks.  The rate of exchange at that time was 4 Marks to the Dollar, so it cost me $22.50.  This was in incredible bargain.  The car was easily worth $30.
 
You know how they describe a fully-equipped car as “loaded”?  This was a totally unloaded VW bug.  It was missing quite a few things, like a battery, upholstery, and third gear.  So, I pimped my ride by putting towels on the seats and a psychedelic poster on the rusted inside roof.  All I had to do was remember to park it on a hill so I could get it started, and it was a dream (of nightmarish proportions).
 
I didn’t like to take it on long trips. By “long trips” I mean further than I could walk back from if it broke down, but it would usually get me to town and back if I couldn’t get a ride with someone else.  Otherwise it sat in the base parking lot, but even there, it came in handy.  Whenever I was confined to the base, which happened all too frequently, my girlfriend would visit and we could make out and drink beer until we saw the officer of the day coming for his hourly visit to make sure I was in the barracks.  At that point, I would race to my bunk for “bed check.”  After he left, I would go back out to the car for another 50 minutes of making out and drinking.  It made being confined to the barracks almost a game.
 
But, all good things must come to an end.  One late night I was driving back from a party, and I was flying.  Relatively speaking of course.  Flying was impossible in this vehicle, but I was going as fast as the car would go.  I sped around a turn and there, right in front of me, was Bambi.  I slammed on the breaks, and they, of course, locked.  The car instantly swerved off the road, rolled over two and a half turns, and when it stopped moving, I found myself in the back seat area.  (It didn’t actually have a back seat, either.)  The roof was crushed in and I couldn’t get the door open.  I was afraid it might explode, if not from gas, then from the alcohol on my breath.  I kicked out the back window and ran about a hundred feet.  I hit the ground and covered my head.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bambi watching me, and I screamed for it to get away quickly.  I waited a couple minutes, but unfortunately the car didn’t explode.  So, I wound up having to give a farmer with a tractor 40 Marks to haul it off the property to the junk yard.  Like Bambi though, I walked away without a scratch.
 
So, driving in the U.S. never matched the thrills I had driving in Germany, and I quickly gave it up, which brought a big sigh of relief from the local police and  a traffic court judge  But I will always have fond memories of my first car, that old VW bug.
rusty-Beetle-300x225
This is not my car, but it looked just like it.
Peace & Love, and all of the above.
Earl

They Call Me Mellow Cello

Until the sudden disappearance of the Lancaster Library and their vast DVD collection, I watched about 10 movies a week. I considered it film school, and I recently learned in a Masterclass with Aaron Sorkin, that it, indeed, is film school. I’m not going to try and deduct my couch and TV off my taxes though. Choose your battles, I say.

One thing I noticed during many of the movies, was the extraordinary use of the cello in the film score. I wished I could play one. Then came the lockdown. So, if ever there was a time to learn, this was it. I ordered a cello online and it recently arrived.

Cello - 01

It didn’t come with any instructions, but it didn’t need any batteries, and I had 2 beginner cello books I’d also purchased online. I did the minimum assembly required.

 

The first day, I couldn’t get any sound out of the cello.  I thought maybe it was broken, and I made sure to save the giant cardboard box that it came in.

 

The second day, I got sounds, but nothing musical.  Maybe it’s just defective, I thought, as I wondered if I would have to call Customer Service to get an authorization number to return it. I worked in shipping for a while at Cyber Medical many years ago.

 

The third day, I got a couple sounds that resembled musical notes.  I guess whatever might have jarred loose during shipping must have settled down. Maybe it’s not broken. It just needed time to settle.

 

The fourth day, I was getting notes out of every string.  I still can’t play those first two notes of the Jaws Theme, which I tried to figure out for at least an hour, but I was learning some other things.  On the C string, the thickest string, I was able to make noises that sounded like whale songs, maybe, or perhaps, more likely, whale farts.  On the thinnest string, the A string, I was able make a sound like a dying mosquito.  Those are my favorite kind of mosquitos, so I liked that sound.

 

So, this is where I should now be playing London Bridges, Frere Jacqua, or something like that, but, let’s face it, that’s boring.  I ended yesterday’s Saxophone practice with The Star-Spangled Banner, so that was on the music stand when I sat down today. So that was my project for the day.

 

By the end of today’s session an astute neighbor might have recognized five notes I was playing on the cello as being eerily similar to the first five notes in the Star-Spangled Banner.  I’m getting the hang of it.  Purple Haze might be a little tougher to learn, but the journey of many miles must begin with the first step.

 

After that, Freebird!

 

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

 

Where the Wild Things Don’t Roam

 

I just checked, and it’s been over a month since I posted a new blog. There’s no baseball, no roller derby, and the liquor stores are closed, so I haven’t had any of my favorite subjects to write about.

How are you all doing? I hope you’re safe and well. I spent a year stationed on Adak, Alaska when I was in the navy, so isolation is easy for me. At least I’m not freezing my ass off this time. Sure, there’s the danger of death, this time, but I’m taking as many precautions as possible. The last time I left my apartment was to go to the mailbox to mail the May rent check, and I didn’t come in contact with anyone along the way.

I haven’t been indoors all this time, though. I’ve got a back yard and that has become my playground. What I’ve been playing is musical instruments. When I was a kid, I played the clarinet and saxophone to get me over a history of Asthma. It worked, as far as the Asthma goes. Musically, it wasn’t as successful. After 5 years of music lessons I still wasn’t much past the beginner level.

When I moved here to Lancaster I decided to go back to playing, so I bought a clarinet and saxophone. I practiced the clarinet for 45 minutes, 3 times a week. I only got the saxophone out one time. It was so loud, and I was so bad, that I decided that the quieter clarinet was enough punishment for my poor neighbors.

Then Covid-19 hit, and I wound up in isolation, social distancing to the extreme. I have a heart condition and I’m a former Asthmatic, so I tried to stay as far away from the Corona Virus as I possibly could, especially since it appeared that old people with health problems were the most likely to wind up in a morgue if they caught it.

So, I started playing the clarinet every day in my backyard. After a while, I decided that it was time to try the saxophone again, and this time, I stuck with it. Now, I play either the clarinet or the saxophone for 3 hours a day. Then, I decided that I would get one of those Casio keyboards with built in rhythm makers to accompany me. That virtual drummer made playing more fun, but I kept looking at the keyboard and thinking I should give that a try, too. What the hell, I thought, even if I suck at it, it’s quieter that the saxophone.

I turned out to be right. It was much quieter that the saxophone, and I did suck at it. But the beauty of having a lot of time on my hands to practice, is that I no longer suck at it.  Now, I’m just plain bad. But you know what? It’s still a lot of fun. Today I was having a blast playing the old Troggs hit, Wild Thing. If you’re not old enough to remember the Troggs, you probably still know the song from the baseball movie with Charlie Sheen, where the fans nicknamed him Wild Thing. I don’t play the whole song, just those same Rock n Roll chords that have been the backbone of Rock for ages, C, F, and G.

“Wild thing, you make my heart sing.” Music, they say, has charms that soothe the savage beast. It’s working for me. And the keyboard came with headphones, so the neighbors wouldn’t even know I’m playing it, if they didn’t hear me occasionally belting out, “Wild Thing, I think you move me.”

A trio of instruments wasn’t enough for me though. I looked at my stimulus check and said to myself, “Self, it’s not going to stimulate the economy just sitting there.” So, I went online and bought a cello. It’s supposed to arrive this week. I love movies and a cello is one of the ubiquitous instruments in movie soundtracks, so I might use it to do my own little musical improvisation for my three screen plays.

Of course, I don’t know how to play the cello, but if a guy named Yo-Yo can learn to play it, I figure I should be able to learn it too. I ordered all the self-instruction booklets I can find.

So, my backyard has become my recording studio, and I’ve posted some of my clarinet and saxophone solos on Facebook. I’m almost ready to post my first keyboard effort, too. My friend Tilda asked me if I would play the Theme from Mahogany, Do You Know Where You’re Going To. I practiced it for a few hours today, and I can play the beginning of the song fairly well. Another couple days of practice and I should be able to play the whole song. Right now, I play a version that is a blend of the beginning of the Diana Ross song, and then it goes into Wild Thing. No two songs were ever less likely to mix in a medley. It’s not normal, but these are strange times we’re living in, and normal just doesn’t exist anymore. I’m thinking of getting a YouTube account. Maybe I’ll inspire another former musician to break out their old instrument and play. Or better still, maybe some scientists will hear me play and work harder to develop a vaccine for Covid-19, so that I can go back to the bars and stop making all that racket in my backyard.

 

Peace & Love and all of the above,

Earl