Avon Calling…Not

I usually get jolted out of bed long before I planned to get up. I order a lot of things online, so, usually it the mailman or UPS guy who rings my bell, puts the package on the floor, and dashes off to his next delivery. I get out of bed to meet them in case they need a signature. What the hell. I can go right back to bed after signing for the package. However, I rarely get to the front door before they are gone, tail lights in the distance. I even switched my nighttime attire from pajamas to shorts and a t-shirt, so I wouldn’t waste any time getting “decent,” on mornings that I was expecting a delivery, and he’s still gone before I get to the door.

Today, I was expecting knick knacks to be delivered for my backyard, so, I was sleeping in shorts and ready to run to the door as soon as I heard the bell.

Ding Dong Ding Dong! It woke me and I sprinted the 20 feet to the front door. When I opened it, I was face-to-face with what looked like “The Brute Squad.” Three very large cops, who combined could probably bench press Rhode Island thanked me for opening the door. Before I could say that I had nothing to do with what might look like pot plants in the backyard, they told me that they had business with the upstairs tenant. They banged on his door and charged up the stairs. Since they looked like they started each morning at Gold’s Gym, and since each of them had guns in their holsters, I decided that this was not a good time to play nosey neighbor. I went back into my apartment, closed the door, and thought about where I would hide if shots rang out.  I regretted that I only had a shower, not a big sturdy bathtub.

Then I remembered that I didn’t have any upstairs tenants anymore. They moved out last week. I thought they were just being unusually quiet, because I never saw them move out, but when I saw my landlord earlier in the week sprucing up the place and actually doing repairs, I knew something must be up. When he asked to put an “Apartment for Rent” sign in one of my front windows, I knew what it was.

So, remembering this, and hearing the mini swat team come back down the stairs without any shots being fired, I stepped bravely back into the hallway. “I think they moved out. I haven’t heard any noise up there, and the apartment is for rent.”

“Okay. We know where he works. We can pick him up there. Do you know his girlfriend’s last name?”

“I don’t even know her first name. I just know that she had a pretty face.”

“What color hair?”

“I didn’t notice.”

Realizing that I wasn’t going to be much help, they asked for the landlord’s phone number, politely thanked me, and left.

After they left, I was so pumped with excitement that I could hardly go back to bed, but I forced myself.  I needed my rest in case the UPS guy showed up.

Peace & Love, and all of the above.

Earl