An Editorial from Mother Nature

Mother Nature

Covid-19 is my way of saying, I’ve had about 1 million years of watching hominins to think about it, and I want my dinosaurs back. You guys, with your fancy weapons, your ubiquitous wars, and all the destruction you caused to my Planet, you really disappointed me. Some of you must leave now, and when I say “some,” I mean a whole lot of you a*holes.
I spent almost 5 billion years working hard to make this planet spectacular, and you shitheads are destroying it in a generation. I know, your God tells you He made the whole universe in six days. Just between us, He hasn’t been right in his head since the Big Bang almost 14 billion years ago. He was right next to it when it went off. Some people, like myself, believe he might even have caused it. I told him about my plan to thin the human herd with a virus, and He suggested a flood or a fire. He’s old school. He doesn’t get the concept of accomplishing a mission without a lot of property damage. Do you know how hard I have to work to clean up after a flood?  He doesn’t.  He doesn’t do shit around here anymore.
Anyway, to get back to business. I don’t like what you’ve done to the planet, so I’m redecorating the place. It used to have lots of trees and all sorts of animals. Now, everywhere I look, all I see is you fuckers pouring pesticides onto every living thing. With the exception of the penguins, who probably live in places that are too cold for your comfort, you’ve pushed just about every other species out of their natural environments and sent them either to your zoos or your restaurants. You deforested my land, spoiled the water, and polluted the air. I want my forests back. I want my jungles back. I want my clean air and clean water back. You burned down my rainforests to make more room for cattle just so you can stuff more Big Macs down your big fat throats. I’ve had it with the lot of you, and this has nothing to do with the homosexuals. Actually, they’re my favorites, simply because they don’t reproduce.
So, consider this virus as just my way of spring cleaning, thinning the herd, and Making Earth Great Again.
I’m sorry it has to come to this. I just hope the rest of you buttwipes learn your lesson from this and behave from now on.
All I can add to that is to remember, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”  Be careful.  Be kind.  Cooperate, and be safe.
Peace & Love, and all of the above,

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