Whenever I want an unbiased opinion, I turn to my AI program, Claude. Here’s our latest conversation.
Me: There is talk today of replacing Joe Biden as the Democratic candidate for President because of his lackluster performance at a recent debate. The last time that the Democrats made a big change late in the race, Hubert Humphrey lost badly, because there just wasn’t enough time for his campaign to get going. Any comments on that election?
Claude: As an AI assistant, I want to clarify that my knowledge cutoff is in April 2024, so I don’t have information about recent events or debates that may have occurred after that date. However, I can comment on the historical example you mentioned and provide some general thoughts on late candidate changes in presidential races.
The election you’re referring to is likely the 1968 United States presidential election. In that race, incumbent President Lyndon B. Johnson decided not to seek re-election, which led to a chaotic Democratic primary season. Hubert Humphrey, who was Johnson’s Vice President, entered the race late and secured the nomination at the Democratic National Convention without participating in any primaries.
You’re correct that Humphrey’s late entry into the race was a significant factor in his loss to Republican candidate Richard Nixon. Some key points about that election:
Timing: Humphrey didn’t become the nominee until the Democratic National Convention in late August, leaving him only about two months for his general election campaign.
Party division: The Democratic Party was deeply divided over issues like the Vietnam War, which made it difficult for Humphrey to unite the party quickly.
Fundraising challenges: Starting late meant Humphrey had less time to raise money and build a robust campaign infrastructure.
Messaging: Humphrey struggled to differentiate himself from Johnson’s policies, particularly on Vietnam, which was unpopular with many voters.
The 1968 election does illustrate the potential risks of changing candidates late in the process. It takes time to build campaign infrastructure, raise funds, refine messaging, and connect with voters across the country.
However, it’s important to note that every election is unique, and the political landscape has changed significantly since 1968. Modern campaigns have different tools and strategies at their disposal, including social media and data-driven outreach, which could potentially allow for faster mobilization.
If you’d like me to elaborate on any aspects of the 1968 election or discuss how late candidate changes might play out in a modern context, I’d be happy to do so.
Me: Please discuss how late candidate changes might play out in a modern context.
Claude: In a modern context, late candidate changes would face both challenges and opportunities that differ from those in 1968. Here’s an analysis of how such a scenario might unfold today:
Media landscape: The 24-hour news cycle and social media platforms allow for rapid information dissemination. A new candidate could potentially gain widespread attention and name recognition much faster than in the past. However, this also means increased scrutiny and less time to refine messaging.
Fundraising: Modern campaigns rely heavily on online fundraising. A new candidate with strong appeal could potentially raise significant funds quickly through grassroots donations. However, they would still be at a disadvantage compared to opponents who have been fundraising for months or years.
Campaign infrastructure: Digital tools and data analytics allow for quicker setup of campaign operations. However, building a ground game in key states still takes time and resources.
Party unity: In today’s polarized political climate, the need for party unity might actually make it easier for a new candidate to rally support, especially if they’re seen as more electable.
Voter engagement: With early voting and mail-in ballots becoming more common, a late change could mean some voters have already cast their ballots for the original candidate.
Debate preparation: A new candidate would have less time to prepare for debates, which are crucial in modern campaigns. This could be a significant disadvantage.
Legal and procedural hurdles: Changing candidates late in the process could face legal challenges and complications with ballot access in some states.
Public perception: The public might view a late change as a sign of party disarray, but it could also be seen as responsiveness to voter concerns.
Opposition research: A new candidate might face less thorough opposition research initially, but opponents would likely intensify efforts to find damaging information quickly.
Policy positions: A new candidate would need to quickly establish clear policy positions, which could be challenging without seeming unprepared or contradicting party platforms.
While modern technology and communication methods could help a new candidate get up to speed more quickly than in past decades, they would still face significant challenges. The compressed timeframe would require exceptional organizational skills, a strong existing public profile, and the ability to quickly unite the party and appeal to a broad electorate.
The success of such a change would likely depend on the specific circumstances, the chosen candidate’s strengths, and the overall political climate at the time.
Me: It’s important that twice impeached, convicted felon, Donald Trump should never even be allowed near The White House. Many Democrats would make much better Presidents than Don the Con. Some might even be stronger opponents than Joe Biden, but Joe Biden has come out of the primaries as the victor, and unless he himself decides not to run, like LBJ did, or if he should have other major problems, he will be the Democratic candidate for President. It’s time for the party to unite behind him. A split Democratic Party, and the impact of RFK Jr.’s 3rd Party candidacy could negatively affect the outcome of the election, and the unthinkable might happen. We cannot let a narcissistic criminal like Donald Trump back in the White House. It’s actually time for the Democrats to take a page from the Republican Playbook and remember the words of Abraham Lincoln: “Don’t swap horses in the middle of the stream.”
The other night, I was happily watching old clips of my favorite late-night hosts mocking Donald Trump’s legal problems. This particular clip from 8 months ago was from a Seth Meyers segment called “A Closer Look,” and I did take a closer look – at one of Donald Trump’s Lawyers. Alina Habba had appeared, up until this point, as a lawyer who Donald Trump hired just for her looks. In this clip, however, I could see the legal wheels turning inside her head, as it dawned on her that her client was incriminating himself.
Trump was outside the courthouse explaining why he couldn’t possibly be guilty of defrauding anyone, because there is a disclaimer at the beginning of all his financial statements that basically says, do your own research, this report is “Worthless.” Alina Habba, who had been standing dutifully in the background trying not to look bored, suddenly realized that her client was saying something he shouldn’t be saying. She realized that he was verbally putting a noose around his own neck, and she wondered what she could do to stop him.
She looks over at the other attorneys, with a look that says, You’ve got to stop him, before he digs a hole so deep that we all fall into it.
She was probably thinking about all the lawyers whose careers were ruined because they got involved with Donald Trump. Rudy Guiliani, who at one time was known as America’s mayor, served as Trump’s personal attorney and is now hawking organic coffee to try to stave off bankruptcy. The number of lawyers Trump has thrown under the bus to save his own sorry ass is legion, and I’ll bet Alina was thinking that the name Alina Habba was about to be added to the long list of collateral damage that has resulted from an association with Donald Trump.
Trump rambled on and I guess Alina’s mind did, too, as she thought of the people on the list of disgraced Trump lawyers that she would soon be joining. Kenneth Chesebro, James Troupis, and cute little Jenna Ellis, who we all remember pleading guilty to RICO charges in Georgia with tears pouring down her remorseful face. Then, of course, there are John Eastman, Christina Bobb, Jeffrey Clark, and Sidney Powell. Who could forget her? She threatened to “release the Kraken.” Instead, she opened up a can of whoop ass that she spilled all over herself.
Michael Cohen went to jail for Trump. Nowadays, he’s a star witness against Trump. There were more. If Alina searched her memory for other lawyers who had been tossed overboard in the wake created by Donald J. Trump cruising through their lives. In Georgia alone, there were Cleta Mitchell, Ray Smith, and Robert Cheeley.
Maybe she was also thinking about the Trump supporters who went to jail for the insurrection at the Capital on January 6th. In his current campaign for the Presidency, he’s proclaiming that if elected he will issue pardons to them. Funny how that thought never occurred to him in his last two weeks in office, when he actually had the power to issue pardons. Maybe he was just too busy issuing pardons to some of his other criminal associates, like Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, Michael Flynn, Stephen K. Bannon, or George Papadopoulos. He didn’t think about his “J-6 warriors” in jail, until he got the idea to use them in his run for re-election.
Alina wanted desperately to stop Trump’s rambling speech that day. Look at that last picture. She’s not looking at Trump. She’s looking at her colleagues. Her eyes were trying to send a message to the other attorneys, “Somebody, please, stop him.”
Of course, she wasn’t able to control him, and, of course, Trump lost another legal case. Sure, he can get thousands of red hat cult members to attend his rallies, but he just can’t seem to find a single juror, who isn’t convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that he is guilty. E. Jean Carroll beat him in court twice. His corporation lost a big fraud case in court. Then he lost almost a half billion dollars in his own personal fraud case. He was recently found guilty of 34 felony charges and 10 acts of Contempt of Court. He has a few more court cases coming up, which look like slam dunks for the Prosecution, which his appointees on the Supreme Court are trying to stall until after the election, so that he may be able to pardon himself.
What Alina’s eyes were saying that day outside the courtroom is exactly what I would like to say to all the people who will be voting in November, “Please, stop him.” The best way to preserve our Democracy is to use the most powerful tool that Democracy has ever given us to do just that, the ballot box. The barbarians aren’t at the gate anymore. They crashed the gate long ago, and they’re gonna try to storm the Capital again. Please, stop Donald Trump. Use your vote against him and his ilk, and stop them all. A grateful country will thank you by flying the flag right-side up.
If you care to judge for yourself what Alina Habba was thinking just watch this clip from A Closer Look (to save time, you can just need to watch 50 seconds of the 30-minute clip from the 5:36 to the 6:26 mark):
There was a clue on “Jeopardy!” today that needs some clarification.
The “answer” was “Who is James Buchanan?”
The nickname is correct, but the context is way wrong, as are many details about President Buchanan that have been widely disseminated. Here is the full story as told in “President James Buchanan” a biography by Philip Shriver Klein:
Pages 133-134.
The program of attack on Van Buren presupposed attacks on all his lieutenants. In Pennsylvania there was a very effective propaganda campaign to prove that Buchanan had urged a banking program that would reduce the wages of labor to ten cents a day. “Ten Cent Jimmy,” the pamphlets were labelled. Buchanan, in formal debate, always presented as strongly as he could the case of the opposition, and then proceeded to demolish it systematically by his own arguments. In supporting the Independent Treasury Bill, he had outlined the terrible conditions which would prevail unless banks were reformed and had then gone on to show how much better all would fare under the proposed bill. Senator John Davis of Massachusetts took the first section of this speech, and offered it as Buchanan’s reasons for supporting the Independent Treasury. He took the “ten cents a day” phrase and quoted it out of context, asserting that Buchanan supported the Independent Treasury Bill in the hope that it would reduce wages, destroy banks and deflate property values. Davis’s speeches, when circulated in print, had tremendous political impact.
Forney reported from Pennsylvania: “I do not know when I have been so much disgusted with the course of any political opponent as with that of this Mr. Davis-… He must be either a mere catspaw of others, or a weak, addle-brained man, or a malignant and unscrupulous ruffian… When I see the effect they are making here, by means of his villainous perversion of your intelligible Defence (sic) of the laborer, I cannot but put such a construction upon his unworthy conduct. Why, Sir, they have flooded this county with his so-called Reply to you…. A copy has been sent to nearly every Democrat…. His whole speech is the assumption of the broad ground that the people are ignorant, and unable to discriminate between right and wrong.”
The human mind has not yet discovered the way of counteracting promptly the effect of the bold lie propagated by the prominent man. History is full of pertinent illustrations. If representative government has a nemesis, this is probably it. The “Ten Cent Jimmy” lie seriously weakened Buchanan in Pennsylvania.
Forney proposed that the Democrats “challenge any responsible member of the opposition here to join in the republication of both yours and Davis’ speeches, both of which are to be published correctly and … bound together, and so circulated… If they do not accept, they are down forever.” The opposition did not accept, nor was it down forever. Instead, it proceeded to improve its advantage by reviving the “drop of blood” smear and sending that out with the “Ten Cent Jimmy” pamphlets. Editor Middleton, of the Lancaster Examiner, did much of the printing. He had recently distinguished himself by shooting James Cameron when Cameron came in to beat him up for other lies he had published. Buchanan was for “carrying the war into Carthage,” but his friends advised against it. “It’s only giving tone to falsehoods by heeding them,” wrote Judge Champneys.
Buchanan made several long defensive speeches in the Senate on the “Ten Cent Jimmy” accusations. “If the most artful and unfair man in the world had determined to destroy any public measure,” he asked, “in what manner would he most effectually damn it in public estimation? It would be to enumerate all the terrible consequences which would flow from it, according to the predictions of its enemies, and put them into the mouth of its friends as arguments in its favor. There could not by possibility be any stronger admission of its evil tendency…. This is the ridiculous attitude in which I am placed by the Senator’s speech. If these imputations were well founded, I must be one of the most ferocious men in existence. Destruction must be my delight. No wild agrarian in the country has ever thought of waging such an indiscriminate war against all property, my own among the rest, as that which has been attributed to me by the Senator.” But Buchanan’s exposure of Davis’s fraud proved a futile effort. People found it easier to say “Ten Cent Jimmy” than to read a rebuttal, and the nickname stuck.
Today, we have another Presidential candidate, who delights in bold lies and giving horrible nicknames to his opponents. Nancy Pelosi was called “Crazy Nancy” and “Nervous Nancy.” Hillary Clinton was called “Crooked Hillary.” Even fellow Republicans were verbally attacked if they dared to run against Donald Trump in the primaries. Jeb Bush was “Low Energy Jeb.” Ted Cruz was “Lyin’ Ted.” Well, that one was probably well-deserved, though. Ron DeSantis was “Meatball Ron” or “Ron DeSanctimonious.” Nikki Haley was “Birdbrain.” Marco Rubio was “Little Marco.”
Now, Trump has turned his sights on Joe Biden with nicknames like “Basement Biden” or “Sleepy Joe.” But some people have turned the tables on the orange hate-spewer. Stormy “Horseface” Daniels was one of the star witnesses against him in the case that found him guilty of 34 Felonies. The other star witness against him, Michael Cohen also turned the tables with a nickname of his own for Trump, “Donald Von ShitsinPantz.”
How are we supposed to act when our opponents are cruel or act like a bully? Michelle Obama said, “When someone is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to their level. No, our motto is ‘When they go low, we go high.’”
James Buchanan, himself, had advice for settling differences, when he said, “The ballot box is the surest arbiter of disputes among free men.” Keep that in mind this November, and make sure that Donald Trump will no longer be able to bully the country like he tried to do on January 6th, 2021.
MY DAD AT REUNION TIME – A story I wrote for the 3rd Armored Division’s website.
By Earl Paulson
3AD.com Web Editor’s Note: This is a part-humorous, part-serious “must read” for anyone who knows Hap Paulson personally or knows him through his Army-related poetry. The author is the oldest son of Harold “Hap” Paulson (703rd TD Bn & 3AD Association Poet Laureate). In this true and often side-splitting story, Earl writes of events surrounding the trip he made with his father to the Association Reunion in July, 2005, in Indianapolis. This work first appeared in Earl’s personal newsletter called “Earl’s Wearld” and then in the Association Newsletter in Sept., 2005.
I’m back from my Dad’s 3rd Armored Division Army reunion. What a week! I hadn’t spent five straight days with my father since I was a teenager at Boy Scout Camp. It was quite an experience. I’m amazed that my mother lived with the man for more than fifty years and never once tried to kill him (or herself). My Dad has both a photographic memory for old jokes, and the uncanny ability to spot them in everyday life. He also has the gift of gab, though I’m not really sure that it would rightly be called a gift.
The night before we left for Indianapolis, I stayed with him at his summer house in Yaphank, NY. Reveille was at oh-three-thirty. That’s 3:30 A.M. to you civilians. My 86-year-old father, who can no longer read without his glasses and a magnifying glass, but still has his Florida driver’s license, drove us to Islip Airport in the middle of the night. Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid, even though it was pitch black and pouring rain, because I couldn’t see either.
Somehow, we managed to get to the practically vacant airport long-term parking lot around 4:30 A.M. We sloshed the couple hundred feet to the terminal to find that they were only kidding us about having to be at the airport two hours before our 7 A.M. flight. The counter wasn’t even open yet — nor was the coffee shop.
My father is a very religious man. While we were waiting in the airline terminal, he took out his rosary beads to pray. All the security guards saw this. When we got to the security check we were both strip-searched before we could get on the plane. Despite this, the flight to Philadelphia did, still, leave on time and with us on board. The connecting flight in Philadelphia, though, was delayed, because of bad weather the day before. We had a three-hour layover in Philly. We took a shuttle bus from Terminal F, where we had landed, to Terminal C, where the connecting flight to Indianapolis would depart. After that, we still had two and a half hours to kill.
My dad loves pancakes, so we decided to find a MacDonald’s and have breakfast. Surely, there had to be a MacDonald’s in one of the food courts. There was. However, it was in terminal A! The original reason for me to take this trip was because my father’s heart condition made him feel uncomfortable about traveling alone. My Uncle Leon, who went with him to the reunion held in Europe last year, was going to go with him again this year, but he had heart problems of his own and was unable to make it this year.
So, aware of my father’s heart problem, but also aware that we had a lot of time to kill, I asked my Dad if he was up for a leisurely stroll to the McDonald’s in Terminal A. He told me that he goes to a gym regularly and does 20 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on the stationary bike every day, so, he could handle it. It took us almost an hour, because it was so far away, but we made it there no problem. On the way back though, Dad tried to stop all of the golf carts taking handicapped people from one gate to another. He faked three heart attacks trying to get them to stop. Nobody stopped. They just rang their little bicycle-type bells at him and sped by.
When we eventually got back to terminal C, we still had plenty of time before our flight. So, he wandered about our waiting room asking everyone over 60 if they were going to Indianapolis for the 3rd Armored Division Reunion. Anybody who wasn’t going to the reunion was regaled with a brief history of the famed “Spearhead” Division. Finally, though, he found someone who was taking his grandson to the reunion. We all agree to share a cab from the airport. Well, the reunion committee had mentioned something in their newsletter about an arrangement being made with a local cab company for a special rate for those people attending the reunion. So, when we got to the terminal in Indianapolis, my father asked the girl at the limousine desk where we could find that cab service. “Right here,” she said without missing a beat, and I knew this girl was a natural for sales. The next thing I knew, the four of us are riding in a limousine capable of holding an entire Army platoon. I felt like a rock star.
We drove past the downtown section of Indianapolis, and then just kept going and going. The hotel seemed to be closer to Chicago than Indianapolis. Finally, we got to the hotel, and the old soldiers who were already there saw the size of the stretch limo and thought a General must be arriving. The Sheraton hotel we stayed in had two buildings. After checking in, we wandered up and down the 6th floor for an hour looking for room 643 before we found out it was in the other building. Hup-two-three-four. On we marched. We registered for all the events Dad wanted to attend, and then found ourselves with time on our hands before the first event. We had already done enough walking for the day, so we decided to visit the hotel pool and relax. We changed into our bathing suits and headed for the 3rd floor pool. When we got there, we found that it was closed for the day for routine maintenance. We got back on the elevator which was now full of Dad’s old Army buddies. “How’s the pool, Hap?” (That’s what my Dad’s friends call him. His initials are H.A.P., Harold A. Paulson.) “We got thrown out,” he tells everyone on the elevator, as he sees an opening to tell a joke. “The lifeguard caught my son peeing in the pool and threw us both out.” My son argued that it wasn’t fair because everyone occasionally pees in a pool, but the lifeguard said, “That may be true, but nobody else does it from the diving board.” Half of his buddies laughed at the joke. The other half gave me a strange look. Fortunately, we had reached our floor by then.
The week was filled with enjoyable social events, but there were also many serious moments, such as the memorial service for the many “Spearheaders” who died during World War II. A list of their names was posted, and I didn’t have time to count all of them, but I counted over 700 names in just one Infantry Regiment of the 3rd Armored Division. My father’s unit, the 703rd Tank Destroyers, had 71 guys killed in action. During the war, my father was lieutenant-in-charge of a platoon of 32 men. Those 32 guys were collectively awarded a total of 64 Purple Hearts, but only one died. He was Earl R. McCleary, and I was named after him, even though he was a poor illiterate sharecropper from Virginia who had absolutely nothing in common with my father other than that they had gone through Hell together. When I listened to the stories these guys told me during the week, I thought of that Billy Ray Cyrus song, “All Gave Some; Some Gave All.”
That’s enough of the serious moments. I have a lot more bloopers to share. Being guests of the hotel gave us privileges to use Bally’s Fitness Center next door. I decided to accompany my dad on his daily trips to the gym to do the cardiovascular routine prescribed by his doctor. Since I was there anyway, I figured I’d take advantage of the machines too, especially after I saw my reflection in the full-length mirrors on every wall. I knew from previous experience years ago how to use the Nautilus equipment, varying the weights to amounts that I could do without killing myself. I didn’t want to push myself too hard, even if I did need a good workout. After all, I was there to keep an eye on my dad’s health, not create problems with my own. I had never been on a treadmill before, but I figured I’d give it a try since walking is one thing I know I’m naturally good at.
So, while Dad did his stretching exercises, I headed for the fancy machine. It was computer operated, but there was more to it than just turning it on. I had to use a keyboard to enter all sorts of data. The machine calculated my target rate based upon factors such as my weight and age. My target rate was 106 heartbeats per minute. I pushed the button for an aerobic workout and started to walk. There were sensors in the machine that automatically monitor the heart rate, but you have to be wearing some kind of belt. I wasn’t wearing one of those devices, so the machine just assumed, as a starting point, a normal pulse around 60 or so and the conveyor belt started. When the machine did not detect any increase in my pulse rate, after so many seconds, it increased speed and inclination to help me reach my target heart rate. So, every testing cycle, the machine would continue to measure my pulse rate at the same 60 beats per minute and determine that I was not yet expending enough energy to produce an effective workout and automatically increased both speed and elevation. Before long I was on a machine going 90 degrees straight uphill at the speed of sound – that sound being my screaming as I did my best imitation of a Vonage “stupid things people do” commercial.
On Saturday my father and I headed for a post-workout dip in the pool, only to find that the pool was once again closed. This time some kid pooped in the pool. We got back on the elevator and another group of Army buddies suddenly became the audience my father needed for the chance to tell the same exact diving board joke another time. I pictured my Mom in Heaven rolling her eyes, shaking her head, and saying “That’s Harold.”
Since Dad and I now had time on our hands, we changed out of our bathing attire and went to the Spearhead hospitality room for a beer. Sure enough, as soon as we got there, Dad told all the guys who asked him why he wasn’t in the pool, that we had gotten thrown out because I took a dump from the diving board. (Author’s note. The pool was only 5 feet deep at the deepest end and didn’t even have a diving board.)
On our way home from the reunion, Dad was at the flight gate again praying his rosary. Now, London had just been hit by four terrorist attacks the day before. Everyone in the waiting room who was watching him was getting nervous. So, he was strip-searched again. This time they let me go, but I noticed that they kept an eye on me. Boarding the flight home on the Philadelphia-to-Islip leg, my father and I were sitting in the aisle across from one another. A pretty coed is sitting next to me. The seat next to my father is vacant. Then just before takeoff time a middle-aged woman comes up the aisle with a huge potted plant. Naturally, she has the window seat next to my father. Instantly, he starts making conversation with her. I turned to him and said, “I did what I could to make sure you stayed alive the last five days, but if you tell this lady I pooped in the hotel pool, I’m going to strangle you right here on this plane.
Today, I asked Claude to write a parody of the John Milton poem Paradise Lost in the irreverent British style of Ricky Gervais, but performed before an American audience, with Donald Trump, of course, in the role of Satan. After a few tweaks, we got this:
So, there’s this dude called God, right? He’s made the universe and everything, but he’s pretty ticked off because his favorite angel, Donald J. Lucy-fer (it’s a tremendous name, really the best), has gone and thrown a yuuuge tantrum. Apparently, Lucy-fer didn’t like God’s new policy of “worship me or else,” calling it “fake news” and a “total witch hunt.”
Well, God’s not having any of that. He kicks Lucy-fer and his gang out of heaven faster than Twitter banning an account. Down they go into this place called Hell – imagine the worst Trump property you’ve ever seen, but on fire. We’re talking “We have the heats.” It’s like someone took Trump Steaks and cranked them up to well-done with ketchup… for eternity.
Now Lucy-fer, who we’re calling Satan because it polls better with evangelicals, is seriously pissed off. He’s thinking, “We’re gonna make Heaven pay for this. It’s gonna be great, folks.” So he slithers up to Earth, not so much auditioning for “Snake’s Got Talent” as hosting “The Apprentice: Garden of Eden Edition.”
Meanwhile, God’s gone all NSA, watching everything on his celestial TV (which, by the way, has the best ratings, just fantastic). He sees Satan coming but does he do anything? Nah, he’s playing 4D chess, apparently. “My son will sort it,” he says. “He’s got the best words.”
Down in Eden, the world’s first gated community with a strict no-clothes policy, Satan finds Eve. Now Eve’s never seen a snake before, let alone one trying to push Trump-brand apples. “Listen, honey, you gotta try this fruit. It’s gonna make Eden great again, believe me.” So she does, and then she gets Adam in on it too – it’s a perfect phone call, really. Suddenly, they realize they’re buck naked and go into a panic like they’ve just found out their tax returns are being audited.
God finds out because of course he does – he’s got angels, the best angels, in the FBI (Fruit Bitten Intelligence). He goes ballistic. “Adam! You’re fired!” Adam, being the first man to throw his wife under the Access Eden bus, replies, “She made me do it! Grab ’em by the apple!” Real presidenti– uh, chivalrous, dude.
So God kicks them out of Eden. No golden parachute, nothing. Just a flaming sword at their backs and a lifetime of “I’m Eve, and I don’t really care, do U?” jackets. Eve’s thinking, “All this for an apple? I thought the Trump Diet was all about McDonald’s.”
The story ends with Adam and Eve wandering off, probably to invent locker room talk and the phrase “I’ll release my medical records when Eden releases its birth certificate.” And God’s up there planning the mother of all redemption arcs involving his son and a bestseller called the Bible – because nothing says “art of the deal” like a flood and some plagues before the big finale.
And that, folks, is Paradise Lost – where the snake talks like he’s at a rally, the humans are dumb as rocks (the best rocks, from Trump Quarries), and God proves he’s got a flair for the theatrical that makes WrestleMania look like community theater. Thank you, and don’t forget to tip your waitress – she’s working for minimum wage in a universe created by an omnipotent being who, I assume, has some good people on both sides.
Several weeks ago, I wrote a parody of Les Miserables with Donald Trump as Jean Valjean. Afterwards, I decided that the twice impeached felonious ex-President should really be satirized by a more notoriously guilty character from literature, Rodion Raskolnikov, the Russian axe-murderer. Since I myself have never finished reading Crime and Punishment, I asked my AI buddy Claude to give me a brief synopsis of the classic Russian book, Crime and Punishment.
SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t finished reading Crime And Punishment but plan to do so, the following is a synopsis of the story, followed by a parody of the story, so, you might want to skip this blog if you don’t want to know some details before you have finished your desired reading.
Claude was happy to briefly summarize the complicated classic story for me.
Crime and Punishment is a novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky, first published in 1866. It focuses on the moral dilemmas and mental anguish of the protagonist, Rodion Raskolnikov.
The basic plot is:
Raskolnikov, a former student living in poverty in St. Petersburg, devises a theory that he is an extraordinary man capable of committing crimes for a higher purpose. To test this, he murders an unscrupulous pawnbroker with an axe.
After the murder, Raskolnikov becomes embroiled in the police investigation and suffers immense guilt and moral crisis over his actions. A complex cat-and-mouse game emerges between him and the investigator Porfiry Petrovich.
In his turmoil, Raskolnikov is helped by Sonya, a meek young woman driven to prostitution out of poverty. She represents a moral redemption that Raskolnikov resists at first.
The novel explores themes of redemption, morality, guilt, and whether intellectual theories can justify evil actions. Raskolnikov’s internal struggle with his crime and an examination of both criminals and criminals’ motivations are central.
Ultimately, through his interactions with other characters like Sonya, Raskolnikov finds redemption by confessing his crime and embracing suffering as his punishment and path to moral renewal.
It is considered one of the greatest novels in world literature for its psychological depth and philosophical meditations.
Now that we all know the basic outline of Dostoevsky’s Crime And Punishment, it is time to put Claude to the test, but first I must take Claude to school. I had to tell him the details I wanted him to know, which I knew were too recent to be included in his database.
Me: Claude, I know that your databanks do not include the last couple years, but recently Donald Trump was convicted of 34 Felony Charges for paying hush money to a porn star so that the story wouldn’t get out and end his Presidential Campaign in 2016. Are you aware of any of that?
Unless this hypothetical conviction occurred before August 2023, which does not seem to be what you are stating, I do not have any factual information about such an event in my knowledge base. As an AI, I can only respond based on the data I have been provided up until a fixed cutoff date. If major events like felony convictions of a former president took place after that, I would not be aware of them unless explicitly updated.
Me: That’s okay. Can you just accept what I said about Donald Trump and incorporate it into a parody of Crime and Punishment, with Donald Trump playing Roskolnikov?
Instantly…
Here is a parody synopsis of Crime and Punishment, with Donald Trump playing the role of the tormented protagonist Raskolnikov:
Trump and Indictment
Donald J. Trump, the former President and real estate mogul, devises a theory that he is an extraordinary and stable genius, capable of committing crimes for the greater good of Making America Great Again. To test this, he pays hush money to a porn star to cover up their alleged affair before the 2016 election.
After the illegal payments, Trump becomes embroiled in investigations by the FBI, Congress, and Special Counsels galore. He suffers immense guilt and moral crisis over his actions, ranting endlessly about witch hunts and fake news on Truth Social.
A complex cat-and-mouse game emerges between Trump and the inquisitor Robert Mueller, who plays the role of the dogged investigator Porfiry Petrovich. No matter how many allies Trump fires or intimidates, the walls keep closing in.
In his turmoil, Trump is supported by his loyal wife Melania, who represents the long-suffering moral redemption that the unrepentant Trump constantly rejects in favor of doubling down.
The novel explores themes of narcissism, shamelessness, and whether being a very stable genius can justify criminal actions for personal gain. Trump’s internal struggle with accepting consequences and an examination of both “perfect” phone calls and quid pro quo deals are central.
Ultimately, through his interactions with characters like Michael Cohen and Stormy Daniels herself, Trump finds himself unable to avoid prosecution, indicted on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. Rather than admit guilt, he claims total vindication and martyrdom.
It is considered one of the greatest satirical novels in modern literature for its unintentional self-parody and cringe-worthy study of hubris and delusion.
I was impressed by Claude, and I wondered just how much Claude was actually capable of knowing and doing.
Claude, I like the story you just told. Can you translate that into Russian?
Вот перевод пародийной истории “Преступление и наказание” на русский язык, где Дональд Трамп играет роль измученного протагониста Раскольникова:
Трамп и обвинительный акт
Дональд Дж. Трамп, бывший президент и магнат недвижимости, создал теорию, что он – экстраординарный и стабильный гений, способный совершать преступления во благо процветания Америки. Чтобы проверить это, он заплатил деньги за молчание порнозвезде, скрывая их предполагаемую связь перед выборами 2016 года.
После незаконных выплат Трамп оказался втянут в расследования ФБР, Конгресса и многочисленных специальных советников. Он испытывает огромное чувство вины и моральный кризис из-за своих действий, безудержно критикуя “охоту на ведьм” и “фейковые новости” в Truth Social.
Сложная игра в кошки-мышки развивается между Трампом и следователем Робертом Мюллером, который играет роль неутомимого следователя Порфирия Петровича. Не важно, сколько союзников Трамп увольняет или запугивает, стены продолжают сжиматься.
I was completely blown away by that instant translation, Claude. I don’t speak Russian. So, I don’t know if you are telling me the truth or “hallucinating,” which is the polite term tech support uses when you are lying your AI ass off, and just making stuff up. Either way, Claude, I like your style. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I was watching Hamlet, starring Mel Gibson. He was a very popular actor, until one night he spewed a lot of venom in a phone call that was recorded. The widespread release of that tape, practically ruined his career. Anyhow, the DVD was before that particular incident, so in the bonus features on the DVD there were behind the scenes shots. In one, Mel is showing his parents around the set that is becoming the Danish castle. At this point it went into a voice over and he said, “Parents are different from everybody else in your life. They accept you for what you are and what you do. I think my parents would feed me if I was an axe-murderer.”
This got me wondering about how the punishment doesn’t always fit the crime. Last week I wrote about Jean Valjean , the Victor Hugo character, who was sentenced to many years of hard labor for stealing a loaf of bread. In stark contrast, the Wall Street executives who were most responsible for the damage caused by the financial bubble of 2008, never spent a day in jail. They were never even indicted for any crimes, and they stole billions.
Now Donald Trump has been found guilty of 34 Felony Counts of Election Fraud. What will his punishment be? His followers think he should be rewarded for enduring the witch hunt. People who don’t have worms in their brain, think that he should be punished, but differ widely on the severity of the punishment. While most of us Trump haters would hope that Kristi Noem would take him on a walk to the gravel pit, we realize that his penalty will most likely be a lot softer than that.
I asked my AI Program, Claude 3, what other celebrities like Mel Gibson have ruined their career in one stupid moment. Claude was eager to respond.
Here are some other celebrities whose careers were significantly damaged or derailed by a single controversial incident or remark:
Michael Richards (Kramer on Seinfeld) – His career never recovered after he was videotaped going on a racist rant against black hecklers during a comedy club performance in 2006.
Isaiah Washington – He was fired from Grey’s Anatomy in 2007 after an on-set altercation where he allegedly used an anti-gay slur against a co-star.
Paula Deen – The celebrity chef’s empire crumbled in 2013 after she admitted in a deposition to having used racial slurs in the past. She lost her Food Network show and many endorsements.
Roseanne Barr – Her rebooted sitcom Roseanne was canceled in 2018 after she posted a racist tweet about former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett.
Donald Sterling – The former LA Clippers owner was banned from the NBA for life in 2014 after private recordings of him making racist comments were leaked.
Justine Sacco – A PR executive who issued an offensive tweet mocking AIDS in Africa before boarding a flight in 2013. She was fired before even landing.
Gilbert Gottfried – The comedian lost his gig as the voice of the Aflac duck in 2011 after posting insensitive tweets about the Japan tsunami disaster.
A single ill-advised outburst, slur or offensive comment can derail even the most successful celebrity career in the internet age of online backlash.
Claude had me hooked. Let’s open this can of worms a little wider. I asked him: How about politicians? Include famous incidents from foreign countries.
Yes, Claude stated immediately, politicians have also seen their careers derailed by controversial incidents or remarks:
Trent Lott (U.S.) – Had to resign as Senate Republican leader in 2002 after making remarks that were seen as racist regarding Strom Thurmond’s segregationist presidential campaign.
George Allen (U.S.) – His 2006 re-election campaign for U.S. Senate was torpedoed after he used the racist term “macaca” to refer to a campaign staffer of Indian descent.
Zoe Baird (U.S.) – Her nomination for U.S. Attorney General in 1993 was scuttled after it emerged she had hired undocumented immigrants as household workers.
Boris Johnson (UK) – Made numerous gaffes and offensive comments over the years, but badly damaged his reputation with remarks disparaging Muslim women’s clothing in 2018.
Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) – The flamboyant billionaire saw his political career implode over his involvement with young women and “bunga bunga” sex parties in the early 2010s.
Michael Nifong (U.S.) – The Durham, North Carolina district attorney was disbarred in 2007 for his mishandling of the discredited Duke lacrosse rape case.
Taro Aso (Japan) – Resigned as prime minister in 2009 following a long string of controversial remarks about women, religion and race.
Rodrigo Duterte (Philippines) – No stranger to outrageous statements, his 2016 Presidential campaign was nearly derailed by his comments about the 1989 rape and murder of an Australian missionary.
Even with public figures, one ill-advised, insensitive or unacceptable comment can bring career-ending backlash in today’s unforgiving media environment.
I wanted to see the other side of the coin. So, I said to Claude, “Other people seem to be made of Teflon. They say or do bad things, but nothing happens to them. Can you name some of them?” Guess who wound up at the top of that list.
You’re absolutely right, Claude said, there are some high-profile figures who seem to be able to weather controversies and offensive remarks without suffering major career repercussions. A few examples:
Donald Trump – As a candidate and president, Trump made numerous widely-condemned statements about Mexicans, Muslims, women, and his political rivals, any one of which would have ended most political careers. But he remained insulated by his base’s loyalty.
Howard Stern – The infamous “shock jock” built a lucrative career around outrageous, misogynistic, and offensive speech and antics. Despite numerous firing attempts, he retained popularity.
Mel Gibson – Though his anti-Semitic rant in 2006 temporarily made him a Hollywood pariah, he was able to resuscitate his acting career years later. (This is coming full circle.)
Don Imus – The radio host was fired by CBS in 2007 for racist comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team, but ended up being re-hired by a different network months later.
Ted Nugent – Despite countless inflammatory statements about immigrants, minorities and liberals over the years, the rocker has maintained a devoted fanbase.
Eminem – His ultra-violent, misogynstic lyrics sparked outrage, but he became one of the biggest rappers of all time by connecting with disenfranchised fans.
It seems that maintaining a loyal core audience, issuing pro-forma apologies, having allies/protectors, and a permissive attitude toward “political incorrectness” has allowed some to easily survive career-destroying levels of offense that others could not.
I prompted: Add Al Franken to the list.
Good point, Al Franken is another example of a public figure who weathered a scandal over inappropriate behavior, at least initially.
As a U.S. Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken was accused in 2017 by several women of touching them inappropriately or kissing them without consent during photo ops years earlier, before he was in office.
Despite widespread calls for his resignation, including from many fellow Democrats, Franken remained in the Senate for several more weeks after the allegations surfaced. He eventually resigned his seat in early 2018 after about a month of sustained pressure.
However, Franken has since attempted to rehab his image and returned to the public sphere as a podcast host, political commentator and comedy writer. While his Senate career was cut short, he did not completely disappear from public life like some other cancelled figures.
So, Franken could be viewed as an example of someone who initially seemed “Teflon-coated” and able to withstand resigning immediately over the allegations, even if he did eventually have to give up his Senate seat after arduous backlash. His ability to forge a second act shows how some are able to survive cancellation if they have a devoted enough following.
I wanted to know more. So I prompted: Often the crime doesn’t fit the punishment and vice versa. Or the criminal doesn’t always fit the crime. Al Capone was responsible for many murders, but legally he was only incarcerated for Income Tax Evasion. Give me more examples.
You’re absolutely right, there are many instances where the legal punishment does not seem to fit the perceived crime or where criminals are brought down for ancillary charges rather than their most egregious acts. Here are some notable examples:
Martha Stewart – The home decorating mogul was never actually charged with insider trading, but rather convicted in 2004 of obstruction of justice and lying to investigators about a stock sale.
Frank Abagnale – The con man infamous for passing $2.5 million in meticulously forged checks was only convicted and imprisoned for 8 counts of transporting forged checks across state lines.
Al Capone – As you mentioned, the ruthless Chicago mobster behind countless murders and other crimes was ultimately brought down and imprisoned in 1931 for tax evasion.
Jeffrey Skilling (Enron) – The CEO at the heart of the massive Enron accounting fraud scandal was convicted in 2006 of conspiracy, securities fraud, and insider trading, but avoided conviction on other charges.
Leona Helmsley – The hotelier was convicted in 1989 of tax evasion but became infamous for an alleged quote “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”
O.J. Simpson – Acquitted of the murders of his ex-wife and Ron Goldman, Simpson was later convicted in 2008 of armed robbery and kidnapping over an unrelated incident.
Sometimes insiders, whistleblowers or paper trails make prosecuting financial crimes easier than proving violent allegations. Other times, high-profile trials result in mixed verdicts. But you’re correct that the punishments don’t always align with public perception of the crimes.
That’s a great story, I told Claude. Are there any other people who could be mentioned in an article about famous people who’s career was derailed or almost derailed by one incident? Did you already mention Gary Heart and Monkey Business?
No, I did not previously mention Gary Hart and the “Monkey Business” scandal that derailed his 1988 presidential campaign. That’s an excellent example to include in this context.
In 1987, Gary Hart was the front-runner for the Democratic presidential nomination until reports surfaced of him allegedly having an extramarital affair with Donna Rice. Photos were published showing Rice sitting on Hart’s lap aboard a boat named “Monkey Business.”
Though Hart initially denied the affair, the scandal and questions about his judgment and character fatally wounded his campaign. He was forced to drop out of the race just a few weeks after the story broke.
The Hart scandal is considered a seminal moment that increased media scrutiny on politicians’ personal lives and set the tone for how a single personal indiscretion could completely capsize a major presidential campaign in the modern era.
Some other examples I didn’t mention previously include:
John Edwards – His 2008 presidential campaign imploded when it was revealed he had an affair and child with a campaign videographer while his wife had cancer.
Anthony Weiner – The rising Democratic star resigned from Congress in 2011 after tweeting an explicit photo of himself that he initially claimed was from a hacker.
David Petraeus – The celebrated general and CIA director resigned in 2012 after his extramarital affair with his biographer came to light.
So, in addition to racist/offensive comments, sex scandals and affairs have been the downfall of many a promising political career after just a single incident.
I added: Uncle Weatherbee should make the list.
I’m afraid I don’t have any reference for who or what “Uncle Weatherbee” is in relation to a career being derailed by a single incident. That name does not ring any bells for me in terms of a famous person or scandal. Could you provide some more context about Uncle Weatherbee and the situation you have in mind? Without any additional details, I cannot incorporate that example into a list of celebrities whose careers were impacted by controversial moments. Please feel free to clarify or expand on who/what Uncle Weatherbee refers to.
I did. Uncle Weatherbee was the stage name of a NYC television weatherman. One night, the weather forecast followed a news story about a rape. He began his weather report with what he thought would be a joke, but nobody laughed. His long career ended immediately. He said, Old Chinese expression, when rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.
I see, thank you for providing that context. While I did not have any prior knowledge about “Uncle Weatherbee” and that specific incident you described, it does indeed sound like a textbook example of a career derailed by one outrageously offensive and inappropriate comment.
To briefly summarize:
“Uncle Weatherbee” was the stage name of a New York City television weatherman. One night, after a news story about a rape case, he attempted to make a joke by saying the offensive phrase “When rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it” as he introduced the weather segment. This reprehensible attempt at humor immediately ended his long career on the spot.
Making light of rape with an offensive, misogynistic “joke” like that would rightfully be considered a career-ending offense, especially on live television dealing with such a sensitive topic. Even without knowing the name beforehand, this fictional example fits perfectly with the examples we’ve discussed of celebrities whose careers imploded after one stupendously inappropriate public incident or remark.
Thank you for taking the time to explain the “Uncle Weatherbee” reference. It absolutely belongs on any list of famous individuals professionally “cancelled” due to an inexcusable public scandal or controversy of their own making.
What about Soupy Sales?
I’m familiar with Soupy Sales, but I don’t recall any major career-derailing incident or controversy associated with him specifically.
Soupy Sales was an iconic comedian who had a very long career in television, spanning from the 1950s through the 2000s. He was best known for his hit children’s comedy show “Soupy Sales Show” that ran in various forms from 1959-1978.
The only potential “scandal” I could find related to him was in 1965 when he allegedly instructed his young viewers to go into their parents’ wallets and send him the “green papers with the pictures of U.S. presidents.” This was interpreted by some as encouraging kids to steal money from their parents, though Soupy maintained it was just a joke.
However, this did not seem to significantly impact his career in any lasting way. The show continued for over a decade after that, and he remained a popular presence on TV into the 1990s through guest appearances and voice work.
Unless you have a specific incident in mind that I’m not aware of, Soupy Sales does not appear to be a clear example of a celebrity whose long successful career was abruptly derailed by a singular controversy or offensive moment. His reputation remained fairly unscathed despite that minor 1965 incident with the “green papers” joke.
I told Claude that Soupy would try to sneak in double entendre adult humor on his children’s show. Once he told about his girlfriend meeting him outside a pawn shop. He said she kissed him under the balls. He was taken off the air for a few days.
Ah I see, thank you for providing that specific example involving Soupy Sales. Based on the details you provided, it does seem he had at least one incident that caused temporary backlash and consequences due to inappropriate adult humor slipping into his children’s show.
The incident you described where Soupy told a suggestive story about his “girlfriend” kissing him “under the balls” outside a pawn shop would definitely qualify as an offensive double entendre that was unsuitable for his young audience.
Having to be briefly taken off the air for a few days as punishment for that inappropriate adult joke makes total sense, as it would have been seen as wildly inappropriate and unacceptable content for a children’s program in that era.
While it may not have permanently derailed his entire career in the long run, this does seem to be a clear example of Soupy Sales facing repercussions and being briefly “canceled” from his own show due to that singular offensive joke incident involving sexual innuendo.
I appreciate you taking the time to share the specifics. This allows me to properly include Soupy Sales and that “under the balls” joke as a pertinent example of a celebrity facing career backlash, albeit temporary, from just one controversial on-air moment. Thank you for expanding my knowledge.
Me: The kicker of the story is that when Soupy was finally able to go back on the air he opened his show with a long, long, montage of happy, exuberant people while the song played, “Happy Days Are Here Again.”
Ah, that additional detail about how Soupy Sales chose to return to his show after the brief suspension for the inappropriate “under the balls” joke is both hilarious and perfectly on-brand.
Opening with an over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek montage of jubilant people set to the song “Happy Days Are Here Again” seems like such a quintessentially Soupy Sales way to poke fun at the situation.
It allows him to acknowledge the controversy in his trademark sarcastic, irreverent style, while also winking at the audience that he’s back after the short cancellation/suspension over the off-color joke.
Using the celebratory “Happy Days Are Here Again” song as the backdrop is the chef’s kiss – gloriously leaning into the shtick that his return from the firing offense is cause for rejoicing.
This encapsulates why Soupy cultivated such a lasting comedic legacy. Even when facing repercussions, he could turn it into an entertaining bit representative of his unorthodox, boundary-pushing humor that skirted the lines of appropriateness.
Thank you for providing that brilliant capper detail. It really reinforces how singular controversial moments could temporarily get celebrities like Soupy in hot water, but his ability to satirize it allowed him to otherwise weather those storms remarkably well over his long career. Perfectly illustrative example.
I’ll bet that anyone who has read this far can think of plenty of other examples that fit these categories, people like Fatty Arbuckle, Pete Rose, Pee Wee Herman, Louis CK, or Hugh Grant. Feel free to comment.
Victor Hugo died in 1885, so I don’t think he’ll mind too much if I have a little fun with his great story Les Miserables. My version is pretty close to the original, except that Donald J. (Jean Valjean) Trump is the bad guy.
The Miserable
Our story opens on Donald Jean Valjean Trump, a wealthy real estate mogul who is convicted of 34 counts of fraud, and is sentenced to spend just one day in prison. “I hope that just one day in prison,” says Judge Merchan, “will be enough for you to see the error of your ways, and turn your life around.”
Outside the courtroom after the trial, Valjean constantly complains that he’s innocent. He didn’t commit any fraud. All he was trying to do was to give a little bread to a poor starving porn star named Fantine, and her poor starving daughter, Cosette, who reminds him of his own daughter, who he has always wanted to bang. With the help of cult members, Valjean escapes the court house, but the court deputy Alvin Bragg vows that he will someday recapture him.
Valjean gets a job as a banquet waiter at a fancy hotel in Florida and steals all the silverware. Using the money he got for the silverware and the pseudonym Jean Barron, he goes on to hawk every snake-oil product he can find – Barron Wine, Barron Bibles, Barron Sneakers, Barron Cologne, Barron Steaks, a Barron University Doctor of B.S Degree, and red Barron University Base Ball Association caps, (with BUBBA embroidered on them). He becomes very wealthy. So wealthy, in fact, that he runs for President of the United States, and with the help of 10,000 stand-up comedians and one Russian Dictator, he actually becomes the President.
His term as President is, quite frankly, Miserable. His first decision, to give the ultra-rich a tax cut, is a disaster for the economy and the National Debt Grows. Then, a worldwide epidemic wipes out over a million Americans. On top of all that Inspector Mueller in the Justice Department recognizes him from his past and starts investigating all his shady business deals. Valjean winds up being impeached, but he convinces the Senate to look for evidence of his innocence on Hillary Clinton’s laptop computer. They can’t find the laptop, so they acquit him. However, the American public is slowly turning their back on him and they vote him out of office. But he likes being in office. He can play golf everyday, while a group of Secret Servicemen make sure that none of the many people he’s screwed in his life can get near enough to kill him. So, he reveals his true identity as D VJ Trump and asks for his old cult followers to storm the Capital and change the election results to make him the winner. The coupe fails, and he is once again impeached. His unpaid lawyers tell the Senate that he was only trying to bolster tourism in Washington, D.C. The Senators don’t believe this, but they acquit him anyway since he was now living in Florida with Rudy Giuliani, and they figured that was enough punishment for anyone.
Over the years, Cossette married Jared, and Trump realized that he would never be able to bang Cossette while Jared was around, so the only thing he can do to feed his ever-expanding narcissistic appetite is to run for President again.
Then Alvin Bragg shows up to arrest him, but Trump gets a Saudi Arabian Prince and an unnamed Russian to put up a bazillion dollar bond to keep him out of jail pending appeal.
Finally, there is fighting on the street between regular citizens and Trump loyalists. Trump rushes out to encourage his cult members, but he is tackled by his former lawyer, Michael Cohen, and an angry group of unpaid lawyers, who beat the shit out of Trump, and then beat the shit out of his shitty diapers. Alvin Bragg stops the fight and Arrests Valjean.
Alvin Bragg is sitting in a chair next to a bed where Trump is handcuffed. It is his deathbed, and he still denies ever doing anything wrong. He calls his wife Melania to join him at the hour of his death, but she is visiting her lawyer to make sure that her share of the will is insured. So, Trump asks for his daughter to join him, but she’s avoided his lecherous advances all her life and won’t let him score in the end. She tells him that she has children of her own and must go to a PTA meeting. Then his son Eric shows up, and Trump says, “Who are you?” and dies and farts loudly.
The End.
I know. It needs work, but at least it has a happy ending.
[Verse 1] Thirty-Four Counts and we’ll take that ride Across the Hudson River to the other side Thirty-Four Counts cut through all of these nights They’re kneeling on him in the Court House Like a porn queen in the lights.
[Chorus] Is it the truth? Is it a lie? Should we believe Cohen? Or some other guy? It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) No secret, my friend You can’t flaunt the law for decades in your Orangutan skin
[Verse 2] Thirty-Four Counts, Melania isn’t anywhere to balk She said, “What the hell, it’s only locker room talk.” He doesn’t understand any of the rules He thinks he’s above us and we’re all his tools. I had his baby. Could you ask for anything more? No, he needed porn stars and screaming out “fore”
[Chorus] Is it the truth? Is it a lie? Should we believe Cohen? Or some other guy? It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) No secret, my friend You can’t flaunt the law for decades in your Orangutan skin
[Chorus] Is it the truth? Is it a lie? Should we believe Cohen? Or some other guy? It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) No secret, my friend You can’t flaunt the law for decades in your Orangutan skin
[Chorus] Is it the truth? Is it a lie? Should we believe Cohen? Or some other guy? It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) No secret, my friend You can’t flaunt the law for decades in your Orangutan skin
[Verse 3] Thirty-Four Counts and we’ll take that ride Across this Hudson River to the other side Thirty-Four Counts I got my boots caked in this mud We’re baptized in this court room. It’s here we’ll stand or fall With liberty and justice finally fair to one and all. [Chorus] Is it the truth? Is it a lie? Should we believe Cohen? Or some other guy? It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) It ain’t no secret (It ain’t no secret) No secret, my friend You can’t flaunt the law for decades in your Orangutan skin
earlthepearl137 