I almost got kicked out of a diner once for trying to order a Jim Beam milkshake with my breakfast. The waitress said it violated “company policy.” I said it violated my taste buds to drink anything without a little rebellion in it. We settled on a root beer float and a mutual understanding that rules are only flexible when the manager’s on break.
Which brings me to Alaska.
Whoever is running this country must be on a break. This Friday, two men—one a convicted felon, and one wanted in 125 countries for war crimes—will meet at a Hotel in Alaska to discuss peace, war, and possibly who gets custody of Crimea. Donald Trump, who is the only U.S. President with felony convictions, will host Vladimir Putin, a man wanted by the International Criminal Court for abducting Ukrainian children. He is wanted in 125 Countries, while Donald Trump is unwanted everywhere he goes.
Now, before you ask, “How is this legal?”—let me remind you: the United States isn’t part of the ICC. We opted out, presumably to keep our own war crimes tidy and domestic. So while 125 countries would slap cuffs on Putin faster than you can say “borscht,” Alaska rolls out the welcome mat. Probably one with a bear on it.
I imagine the summit will be held in a Bail and Breakfast place, with moose jerky appetizers and a ceremonial exchange of MAGA hats and Kremlin lapel pins. Trump will declare peace in our time, Putin will drink Vodka and nod solemnly, and somewhere in The Hague, a judge will throw a gavel at the wall. Or maybe one of Putin’s political opponents will vigorously protest by “accidentally” throwing himself off a 30th-floor balcony.
This is not diplomacy. It’s dinner theater.
And yet, there’s something heartbreakingly American about it. We love a good outlaw. Jesse James. Al Capone. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, not to mention the guy who invented the McRib. We don’t mind criminality as long as it comes with a slogan and a side of fries. Trump and Putin are just the latest duo in our long tradition of “bad boys with branding.”
But here’s the rub: this isn’t a sitcom. It’s real. Ukraine is bleeding. Children have been taken. Democracy is being bartered like a used snowmobile. And while the rest of the world tightens its grip on justice, we’re hosting a summit meeting between two known criminals. The only result anyone expects is for Putin and Trump to issue a joint nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize—submitted in black Sharpie and sealed with a vodka stain.
Peace & Love, and all of the above,
Earl
earlthepearl137 
Oh, for these two to be tried at the Hague.
A girl can dream, right?
That would be my dream, too.
Sadly this was terrifically well conceived and well written. I mean, sadly for the content, not you, the author. Sharp and to the point which apparently has lost its meaning. Thank, you, nonetheless.
We can’t stop fighting this menace. It is sad that some of us are suffering from “Battle Fatigue,” but those of us still able to fight, must carry on until Trump and his ilk are gone.
Two asses helping the world…NOT!
I can almost guarantee there will be a minor earthquake in Alaska on Friday, when these two get together.
Totally agree with so much in this post but is a Jim Beam milkshake a thing? Was it on the menu?
My brother, a Bourbon drinker, chides me for adding vanilla syrup to my glass when I drink Bourbon with him, but I just like the way it tastes. I made up the name, Jim Beam milkshake.