Grazing in the Grass

 

It was Monday, Pizza Night at the Alley Kat.  Debbie and I were sitting in my backyard having a few pre-pizza beers.  She got up and started brushing her hand against some stuff that was sprouting in my yard.  To me it looked like little tufts of grass.

She pulled out one of the blades of the grass and put the root in her mouth and chewed.  “Not really a scallion,” she said, “but similar.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to figure out what it is.”

“By tasting it!  Who do you think you are, Ayla the Medicine Woman of the clan?”

“How can I tell what it is if I don’t taste it?”

“What if it turns out to be poisonous?”

“It’s not poisonous.”

“How do you know that if you don’t know what it is?”

“I know it’s not poisonous.”

“Well it could be.  Come on, let’s go get some pizza.”

“What’s your hurry?”

“I figure that if you croak from food poisoning while we’re in the restaurant, I might be able to guilt them into paying for your funeral.  That would save your mother the burden.”

“You’re a lousy boyfriend.”

“That’s good,” I replied, “because I’m not your boyfriend.  I’m just a friend.  Period.”

“No,” she corrected.  “You’re my friend with benefits.”

“What benefits?  The only benefit you’re getting from me is that I’m willing to pay for the pizza when we go out to eat.”

“Well, if you wanted more, I’m ready.”

“I’m not.”

“Why not?”

“I would feel like I was taking advantage of you and only using you for sex.”

“But I’m okay with that.”

“But I’m not.”

“Why not?”

“Because I think you’re a wacko!”

“So?”

“I don’t really want to get into a sexual relationship with a wacko.”

“Why not?”

“Been there.  Done that, and I’ve got the t-shirt, actually a few t-shirts.  Did you ever see Fatal Attraction?  I’ve dated a lot of crazy women in my life, and I’ve learned one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“They always turn out to be even crazier than I first suspected.”

“Do you think that I would turn out to be crazier than you suspected?”

“Well, not really, because I already suspect that you’re nuttier than a fruit cake.”

“So what’s your problem?”

“Right now I don’t have any problems, and I’d like to keep it that way.  If I slept with you, then you would be my problem.”

“You’re a lousy boyfriend.”

“I know.  Are you ready to go get some pizza?”

 

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl