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Alexander of Macedonia conquered most of the known world and they called him Alexander the Great. Peter Alexeyevich ruled the Russian empire for more than 40 years, and they called him Peter the Great. Waldo Pepper was a character in a movie about flying starring Robert Redford, and they called it The Great Waldo Pepper.

I didn’t have to do diddly squat, but now they call me Great, Great Uncle Early. Suck it Alexander, Peter, and Waldo.

My nephew DJ and his wife Stacy did all the work, but I got the title. It kind of reminds me of an acceptance speech I once heard an actor give. He said, “I don’t deserve this award, but I’ve got arthritis, and I don’t deserve that either, so I’ll accept the award.

I was in Lancaster and just about to jump in the car with Brother X, Mrs. X., and their daughter Beth. We were headed to Johnstown, PA for my Aunt Jane’s 90^th birthday. Then they got the call. Stacy was in labor, so instead of heading west they went back east. I waited a week before I headed there. Wait until the work is all done. That’s my motto.

Stacy gave birth to little baby Cooper James and I went to see them. I’m happy to report that Mom, baby, and all the rest of the people who were waiting anxiously for the arrival were all settle down by then.

I took this picture of DJ holding the baby and restraining their dog Cujo, I mean Mason, who was probably wondering why there was so much excitement for a tiny creature that couldn’t walk, bark, or feed himself.

Here’s a close-up of the little tyke, in which he seems to be winking at me, congratulating me on my promotion from Uncle to Great Uncle.

All the best to DJ, Stacy, Cooper, and all the members of their extended family. Thanks for the promotion.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

I recently read David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell. He explains how the underdog David, should have been the odds-on favorite, because he had a weapon, a slingshot. Goliath was much bigger and stronger but needed for David to be within arms distance. David had no intention of letting the giant get that close, and he felled the big man from a distance with a stone and a slingshot. It was like that classic scene in the Indiana Jones movie when Indy is confronted by the fierce swordsman, who shows off his skill with the sword for about 15 seconds before Indy just pulls out his gun and shoots him.

Unless you have superior weapons, though, the giant always has a big advantage. Remember how Andre the Giant would wrestle against an entire group of midgets and always emerge victorious? Or try to think what it would be like if you were playing on a high-school basketball team and LeBron James showed up to play for the other team.   Imagine a high-school wrestler having to face Hulk Hogan. If you’re going to face a giant, you need a superior weapon.

This past Saturday, my favorite Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby team, The Dutchland Rollers played against a team from Wilkes-Barre/Scranton in their home opener for the 2018 season. The Dutchland All Star team had their skates, their elbow pads, their knee pads, helmets, and wrist protectors, but they were up against Goliath, and they didn’t have any slingshots.

I knew something was up when I got to the Overlook Recreation Center where the games are held. It usually takes just a few minutes to get a ticket and find a seat. This time there was an extremely long line that went all the way to the end of the parking lot. I waited on line for half an hour, and they were 10 minutes into the game before I finally got in. The first thing I did was look up to the scoreboard.

The score was 0 to 99. I couldn’t believe it, until I watched a few jams and saw the reason for the lopsided score. Goliath, in the form of Vanessa Sites was skating for Wilkes-Barre. Vanessa, who is nicknamed V-Diva, is a transgender superstar in the sport. She used to play for Gotham, the New York Roller Derby team where she helped them win the Championship 5 years in a row and most recently she skated with them when they won the World Cup of Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby in a competition held in England.

In Roller Jerby, a jammer wearing a star on their helmet, is the only one who can score points. They start at the back of the pack and must work their way to the front. Then, to score points, they have to skate around the track and lap opponents. With Vanessa skating backwards at the front of the pack, the Dutchland jammers were unable to get past her. If they did somehow manage to get by her, she then moved to the back of the pack and prevented them from scoring.

Many times, after skating around the track, the jammer will slow down when they reach the pack and plan whether to attempt to pass on the left, right or center. When Vanessa wore a jammer’s helmet she wouldn’t slow down when she approached the pack. She would just hit it like a bowling ball and scatter Dutchland players like bowling pins. If the pack was on a turn, she would just take off before the turn, do a long jump across the infield and land at the front of the pack, boom 5 points for passing everyone. This move was so spectacular that even the local fans applauded. Mega Pixel, the captain of the Dutchland team does a similar move, she just doesn’t get quite as far in her leap and usually has to wrestle past an opponent or two at the front of the pack.

Normally the players skate every other jam, with substitutions being made after each jam. Vanessa skated almost every jam, and just kept knocking the Dutchland jammers off the track or onto the track. The Dutchland All-Stars didn’t have any slingshots, but they did have plenty of grit, and they fought on bravely. They double and triple teamed Vanessa and forced her to commit fouls that sent her to the “Dutch Oven” penalty box. Eventually, the Rollers got rolling and scored some points. The final score was 74-281, a respectable comeback for the Roller’s All-Star team, who never quit.

Each team actually fields two teams on an event night, and the women who didn’t get to skate in the first game come out for the second game. In the second game Wilkes-Barre came from behind to beat the Rollers, but without Vanessa, it was a much closer game. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, in between games, a dancing exhibition was put on by a local school of Irish Step Dancers. That’s something I know a little bit about, because my friend Marianne’s daughter Jessie Driscoll is a top class Irish Step Dancer, who has toured all over the world including performing in shows in China. The exhibition reminded me of when Jessie was just starting out on her career decades ago. I hope that some of these little girls will someday achieve the level that Jessie has.

As always, the after party was a lot of fun, and I got to talk to Drew Anderson, who was the weatherman on the local TV station, WGAL, but is now running for Congress. He had been a guest announcer at the games. He’s the one wearing the tie. He seemed like a nice man, and I hope he doesn’t face a Goliath in the election.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

The Winners with Brad Rutter standing behind them.

When I lived with my parents, if the phone rang between 7:00 and 7:30 p.m. we did not answer it by saying “Hello.” We said “Jeopardy! is on” and hung up. That half hour every weeknight was sacred. We would scream out the answers (If we knew them). My family was always competitive, especially in mind games. We all thought we were smart. Maybe we were, but the years, beers, and drugs have taken their toll on me, and last night I got a big reality check.

Last night the Lancaster Library had another “Are you Smarter than a Librarian” event, a literary trivia contest built for bookworms. The Librarian team competed against about 20 other local teams in the contest, and they were out for blood. The last time they held one of these events, the Library team got creamed by the competition, and they were determined not to let that embarrassing moment happen again.

There are some very knowledgeable people in Lancaster and these trivia contests are very popular in the local bars. Like usual, this contest was held in one of the local bars, Tellus 360, so I was psyched up to attend. I didn’t actually enter in the contest because you needed a team of 7 people, and quite frankly, I don’t even know 6 other people in town who like to read. Even though I wasn’t in the actual competition, I was given an answer sheet so that I could play along.

I said that there are some very knowledgeable people here, and the most famous was Brad Rutter, a Lancaster native who won over $2,000,000 on Jeopardy!, defeating such well-known opponents as the 74-time Champion, Ken Jennings, in the Tournament of Champions.  The only one who ever beat Brad was Watson, the IBM Brainiac computer. Brad, who now lives on the West Coast, was in town to host the show.

There were 7 rounds of 10 questions each and the first round was Literary Potpourri. I got 5 out of 10 correct. I put down “Colossus” as the name of the poem on the Statue of Liberty. The correct answer was “The New Colossus.” So, I was close but no cigar. Damn.

The next round was Wizarding World, and not having read the Harry Potter books killed me. I muggled my way through and only got 1 out of 10 correct. I figured I would make up for that round in the next round, What the Dickens! Unfortunately, I only got 4 right in that category. The next category was Pictures: Late but Great. I only recognized one face, but I even got that wrong when I wrote down Angela Mayou instead of Maya Angelou. I thought Kurt Vonnegut, Jr looked like one of those Russian writers who spent too much time in the gulag. It wasn’t a very flattering picture of him, and certainly never appeared on any of his book jackets. So, I wound up with a zero in that category.

We moved on to Sound: Is the Force with you? Jar Jar Binks and Lando Calrissian were the only voices I recognized. There were no easy ones, like Darth Vader’s, “I am your father” or Princess Leia’s “Help me, Obi Wan”, So, I only got two correct. The Force was not with me. The next category was One Hit Wonders. If they were talking rock n roll songs, I was in, but they were talking authors and I was out of my comfort zone. I only managed to get 4 out of 10 correct. The last category was Heroes and Villains. I recently listened to a 5 CD audio book about Heroes and Villains in literature. I knew about everyone from Beowulf to Lizbeth Salandar, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I was pumped to finish on a high note. Then, most of the questions were about Marvel comic book characters. I was a DC Comics fan as a kid, so I only got The Joker, and Mr. Freeze. Those two correct answers brought my total up to 18 out of 70.

There was a bonus question. Name the four Jane Austen books that were published in her lifetime. All I could think of was Pride and Prejudice. So, no bonus points for me. My final score was 18. Was I smarter than a Librarian? No, I was as dumb as a doorknob. Most of the teams scored in the 50s and 60s. I did singlehandedly beat out one team, though. The Tequila Mockingbird team only had 17 correct answers. They had an excuse though. They were all doing shots of tequila before every round. They were there for the party.

The Librarian team won in a squeaker, and afterwards I went up to Brad Rutter to shake his hand and tell him a story about when I watched him years ago in the Tournament of Champions on Jeopardy! I told him that my favorite sport is Harness Racing, and I was shocked when none of the three great champions on the show knew that the vehicle the horses pull in a harness race is called a sulky. I told him that was my “Aha moment” when I knew my favorite sport was in serious trouble and needed way more TV coverage.

I didn’t do well in the contest, but I did learn one thing. The next time the library holds an Are You Smarter than a Librarian contest, I’m going to try to get my well-read New York friends Patrice, John, and Margaret to visit Lancaster that day and be on my team. My two brothers would also be welcome additions to the team. I’m sure that my brother Kevin would have gotten all the comic book questions right. That would only leave room on the team for one more player. I wonder what Ken Jennings is doing these days.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

P.S. I went to the library today and it wasn’t open. There was a paper sign taped to the door “The library is closed today” with a picture of a big snow flake. The weather forecast had called for several inches of snow. We only got one inch and it was melted by noon. I imagined that more likely the library was closed because all the librarians were hung over. They were still partying pretty hard when I left the bar. I’m glad the weatherman gave them a well-deserved day off to celebrate their victory.

Here in Lancaster, I just bought my tickets to Opening Day of the Barnstormers 2018 Minor League Baseball season. Meanwhile, my old neighborhood got hit by a Nor’easter storm that took down the tree next door to where I used to live. My old apartment was the upstairs floor of the house on the far right of this picture.

The tree in front of my old house is still standing, and it’s even bigger than the one that came down. I’ll bet the new owners are calling a tree chopping company today.

My old neighbors weren’t hurt when the tree came down as they were on the first floor. When she saw the damage to her house, though, the lady in the house on the left had to be taken to the hospital.

I hope all my old neighbors are doing okay today, and I hope that my friends in the areas that are prone to flooding are okay.

Here in Lancaster our motto when we are trailing in a baseball game is, Keep Calm and Storm on. I hope my friends on Long Island can do likewise.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

In the past couple months, my friend Mark, my friend Linda’s sister Cathy, and a country line dancing friend of mine, Norma, all died. It’s time to get some of my final wishes down in writing, should I ever become incapacitated or dead, not that I’m anticipating either happening to me, but like they say, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

I use the word “penultimate,” because I expect to make changes before I die, especially since I’m just writing this in sort of a stream-of-consciousness way.  I just want to be prepared with some sort of written document in case anything ever happens suddenly. After all, I was a Boy Scout. Who’s to say what might change? Maybe when I’m on my deathbed, I might suddenly scream out, “Screw Uncle Tony, he’s not getting my watch,” or something like that. Last Wills are impossibly tough to write, because you want it to accurately express your final desires, and you don’t expect it to change. It’s your LAST Will. It’s final. Plus, you’ve gotta feel like you’re putting the whammy on yourself just by writing it. Penultimate Wills don’t come with that pressure. It can always be edited. It’s just what the Pirates of the Caribbean would call “a guideline.” It’s also optimistic, because it shows that you don’t think you need a final draft just yet. This should be a breeze, and, in a way, it is a civic responsibility. Please understand that these are just my wishes at this current moment, they’re not chiseled in stone (though that would be cool).

I’ll leave off the “Hereby, being of sound mind” line, because I can’t really vouch for that. I can say, though, that this is probably as sound as my mind gets, and it’s not likely to get any sounder as I limp into old age. They say that there are two ways than a man can be sure that he’s getting old. Number One is he starts forgetting things. Number Two is…gee, I don’t remember. That’s another reason why I’m writing all this down now.

I saw a T-shirt that said, “I never though I would grow into a grumpy old man, but here I am, killing it.” I regret that I don’t yet have that T-shirt, but I do have a lot of t-shirts and clothes. Upon my demise, I donate them all to the mission in Lancaster. I think it’s on Water Street. Otherwise, Goodwill, or rags at the car wash.

John Brand gets my James Buchanan bobble-head doll. I think he will appreciate it more than my brother Donald would, though I know they both can’t say enough about the only President born and raised in Pennsylvania. John also gets my Lancaster Barnstormer stuff. Go Stormers.

Margaret Brand gets everything related to A Little Bit Better, the Children’s Book I wrote that was illustrated by her daughter, Eileen. Margaret gets my rights to the words in the book. Eileen already has the rights to the illustrations. If you dig around, I might have 40-50 copies of the book on a book shelf someplace just waiting to brighten some children’s lives. Plus, I’ve got some of the “Deleted and Bonus Material” that shows how the book evolved. It’s in a kitty liter bucket marked “A Little Bit Better.” (Clever, huh?) You can also have the framed artwork that Eileen drew that I bought at auction. They’re hanging on my Wall of Fame in the back room.

Deborah Jean Beck Donohue gets my tricycle, record collection, cd collection, video collection, and VCR equipment. Any beer or alcohol left over goes to her, too. Throw in the breathalyzer, too. She won’t use it, but it might give her a laugh. I know that I laughed every time I showed it to her and she slurred, “I’m not drunk. Go ahead. Take my blood pressure.” Debbie also gets the poster she had made of me and Muhammad Ali from a picture taken at the Vista International Hotel at the World Trade Center. I outlived both Ali and the hotel. Otherwise, I would give them this great picture taken by Angelo Dundee.

Maria Fundus gets my wine rack and wine glasses. It’s empty now, but I’ll try from now on to keep it stocked with a supply of Pinot Grigot. Maria also gets back the 25^th Anniversary Mavericks T-Shirt she gave me. Odds are it will be clean. I only wear it when I go to Mavericks concerts with her, and I do have a washer and dryer, which I bought with my landlord Ed Pelton. The washer and dryer are all his now.

Barbara Hennig gets the armoire in my bedroom, and the big vase in the kitchen. Her husband James Cuozzo gets all my tools and any handyman sort of stuff. Jim also gets the Dutchland Rollers stuff.

My favorite skater, Vanitti #29, a.k.a. Jessie gets to know that I’ll be rooting for the Dutchland Rollers forever.

Geralyn Becker gets the big framed picture that her sister Marianne took of us singing at a LAM Dance. Geralyn also gets full rights to all the issues of The Cyber Space Cadet Gazette, which she helped to produce by letting me write them while I was supposed to be working at Cyber Medical. Hi Guys!

Marianne Driscoll gets her mother Arleen’s bowling ball, which I have kept unscathed from hitting too many pins. If I have any plays written, they, and all their rights, go to Marianne. As of this moment, I’m working on two of them: Alicia Off and Miles to Go Before I Sleep. If I live another decade I should complete both. If any of Marianne’s kids wants my LAM ring from Las Vegas, they can have it.

Patrice Davis gets a copy of all my screenplays and first choice on all my books and audio books by other authors. Whatever she doesn’t want I hope Marianne Driscoll will somehow manage to donate to Veterans, Africa, Goodwill, or Dentist’s offices somewhere.

Linda Merensky gets the unicorn spoon holder in the kitchen and the screen rights to Two Ships Passing…One Failing. If the book is ever finished, she can have the rights to that too. Linda also gets “The Band,” the complete collection of blow-up instruments I used to take to Karaoke.

Isabella, the little girl who lives upstairs gets my clarinet. That way the neighbors in Lancaster can all remember me whenever she practices on it.

Peggy Carbone gets my saxophone. She had to endure hours of listening to me practice when I first was learning how to play it as a kid in South Ozone Park.

Tierney O’Rourke gets all the rights to Bless Me, Jack. After all, it is his story.

The Hall of Fame of the Trotter in Goshen, NY gets the screen rights to Miles to Go Before I Sleep.

Joe Becker of Lancaster gets all the furniture that’s left after my friends pick out things they want. I don’t think Joe will want the stuff, but he’ll know how to sell it.

Tilda Virgilio Clark gets the book of Tuscany cooking I was supposed to give her months ago. And she also gets one of these:

She’ll know what it means, and it’ll give her a big laugh. She really would prefer if I did it with both hands, but I couldn’t hold both hands up and hit the enter key with my elbow. Believe me, I tried.

My nephew DJ, a teacher and sports coach on Long Island, NY, gets all my sports equipment.  He also gets my train style pocket watch to time his slow runners.

My niece Beth, a Lieutenant in the NYPD, gets my pet pig, Buzz Lightpig.

Caution: he’s a lot bigger than he looks in this picture.

My horseracing computer (The Dell) and all the horse information goes to my friend Caesar in the Downthestretch@yahoogroups.com group. Don’t worry about deleting any porn first, Caesar said he could do that himself.

My Harness Racing watch goes to Archie in the MerryGoRoundRacing@Yahoogroup.com. I also turn over the reins of the group to him. To the group I leave all the horse paintings and sculptures. You can have contests to see who wins what.

Barbara Flaherty a.k.a. Princess LaLa and her husband John don’t need any material things to remember me by, but, LaLa, I’ll contact you from the afterlife and tell you what Heaven is like. (I’ll also try to find out if Republicans are allowed there.) LOL

I don’t think I have anything that my relatives in Johnstown would want, but they’re welcome to have my TV’s. Maybe some Eagle luck will rub off on their Steelers.

The rent should, of course, be paid up until the end of the month, so anyone can stay in my apartment for a few days and go sightseeing in Amish country. (Unless I croak at the very end of a month, 😉).

I know that my cousin Debbie and my Aunt Jane love to travel (and probably would like to visit the Outlet Stores in Lancaster). Don’t wait too late. Come on out for a visit while I can still show you around.

My brother Kevin gets anything with a Batman logo, and the stuff on the shelf next to Buzz Lightpig. Speaking of pork, LOL, he also gets congratulations on making Chief in the San Francisco Sheriff’s Department. There sure are a lot of cops in my family tree. I’m glad none of them ever found out that I smoked pot. Wink. Wink. (a squirt or two of Visine) and another Wink. Wink. Kevin gets all my other laptop computers. Hopefully, he will find enough material on them to inspire a story or two for his blog. Then he can give them to his adopted children Zane and Aiden. They will probably find them to be old-fashioned, as I’m sure they have the latest techno devices, but they can just take them apart or smash them if they want to. That would be fun.

Everything else goes to Brother X, who will be in charge of sorting out the mess. That’s what you get for outliving me, Bro. You coulda put the whole stinkin’ thing on Kevin, but you took those 10,000 steps a day. I have a checking account with The Fulton Bank in Lancaster, PA; another checking account with HSBC in Nassau, NY; and a NY Life Annuity Plan. For details look in the locked steel box that is always somewhere in my bedroom. The key is in it. The key is always in it, otherwise I am positive that I would lose the key. There’s no money in there, but you should have enough money from my accounts to cover any final expenses with a little left over for a party for my friends. Otherwise, could you loan me the balance? LOL. I also have a betting account with Yonkers Raceway. I’m sure that you and a lot of other people will be very surprised if there’s any money left in that account.

I don’t want to be buried, but I would like my picture taken in a fox hole, just to prove that there are Atheists in fox holes. No, you don’t have to haul me around. You can Photoshop it. I don’t want any priests talking at any memorial celebration held in my name, saying that I’m in a better place blah, blah, blah. Even though I might be in a better place, if Trump is still President.

My first choice for the disposal of my carcass is to have my body donated to science, but if they send it back postage due, my backup plan is to be cremated and have my ashes sprinkled on a Harness Horse track. A burial at sea would also be nice, if the Navy feels compelled to honor me, thusly. (While I was on active duty, they offered to “throw me overboard” on many occasions.)

Please play, Prop Me Up by The Jukebox If I Die, by Joe Diffie.

If I should die while hooked up to a machine, unplug me. Wait five seconds and plug me back in. See if that works. If it doesn’t work, then…

Peace & Love, and all of the above.

1. Earl Paulson

P.S. To get “dibs” on any of the other valuable momentos that will someday become available, just let me know what I have that you’d like to have, and be prepared to wait a very long time before delivery. (Hopefully.)

P.P.S. The washer, dryer, refrigerator, and the table in the back yard are not mine. They belong to the landlord. Everything else is up for grabs. I hope it becomes the longest going-out-of-business sale in history.

Slowly but surely, my friends are all finding their way to Lancaster, and I look forward to seeing all of them. When they visit, I convert my bedroom into a guest room. It’s still full of my stuff, but the sheets are laundered and the bed is made. That makes it a guest room.  For special guests, I might even vacuum. Since I have a queen-sized bed and I live on North Queen Street, I’m calling it the Queen Suite on Queen Street. Catchy, huh?

My most recent guests were my Scrabble-playing friends, Barbara and Jim. It was their second visit, but the first time that they stayed in the Queen Suite. The last time they were in town, Barbara had injured her leg and was in a wheel chair, so they stayed at a handicap-friendly motel nearby. I know that they both love to eat, so the first time they were here, I went out and stocked the refrigerator full. Then they showed up with enough groceries to feed an Ethiopian refuge camp. Naturally we didn’t finish it all, so after they left, I wound up finishing everything, and within a month, my belt was buckled about 3 holes beyond where it had been before their arrival.

This time they stayed here in my house, but knowing the way they travel, I didn’t stock up too much food ahead of time. I had the eggs and breakfast items I knew we would need, but little else. I guessed right. They showed up with everything in the supermarket except the boy who bags the groceries.   Oh well, there goes my New Year’s Resolution to lose weight. I was just glad I had notches left on my belt to accommodate the weight I expected to gain.

Jim is a handyman, by trade, and the last time he was here he fixed a major problem with my kitchen sink. So, when the handle on my toilet broke a few days before their arrival, I just bought the parts I needed and left them on top of the tank. “The handle’s not working so you have to open the tank and lift the handle manually,” I said knowing that Jim wouldn’t be able to resist fixing it. I was right again. The very first time he went to the bathroom, he fixed it and had it working like new. If you’re anywhere near Secaucus, NJ and need anything fixed, I’ll give you his number. He does everything…Plumbing, Electric, Carpentry, anything. If it breaks, he can fix it, and he does terrific work at a very reasonable price. (Free, for me, ‘cos I’m special!)

We had lunch, and then they ordered out for a pizza for “dessert.” I wondered if the few spare notches left on my belt would be enough. Then we settle down to a game of Scrabble before dinner. The games of Scrabble I’ve been playing with Crazy Debbie had lulled me into a false sense of security. I never lose to her. Now I was swimming with the sharks, though, and I got my ass kicked in the first game. Basking in the glory of victory, Jim was ready for dinner. No, I protested. Let’s play another game first. “Okay,” they said, and Jim proceeded to win again. Then we ate some more.

After dinner, I finally won a game, and then it was time for a snack. We played some more Scrabble and talked about the old days. I broke out a few picture albums, and Barbara broke out her FaceBook pages of pictures. Another snack and it was time for bed.

Breakfast is a major production, and Jim is the producer and chef. “Do you have any more frying pans?” he asked me. “There are two on the stove,” I responded. “Isn’t that enough?”

“No,” he said and gave me a look like I must be joking, thinking that two frying pans was enough to prepare one of his gourmet breakfasts.

“Look in the oven. I never use it. There might be something in there.”

He found what he needed, and was off to the races. Pretty soon we were sitting at a table heaped with scrambled eggs, home-fried potatoes, various meats, toast, bagels, and pots of coffee.

After breakfast, naturally, we played more Scrabble. Jim piled up two more victories, and so did I. Then it was time for dinner. When my friend John visits, he likes to go to the Onion Café. When Geralyn visits she likes to take me to the upscale Belvedere Inn. When Marianne visited with her family we went to the family friendly Alley Kat. Maria prefers Italian food, but she will eat anywhere that serves Pinot Grigio wine. My brother and our mutual friend Jimmy usually like a barbecue in the backyard when they visit. For Barbara and Jim, I picked out a special place for people who really love to eat a lot of food, Fat Pigs.

“Fat Pigs?” they both questioned.

“Don’t get nervous, the name refers to the menu, not the customers. It’s a sports bar for people who love pork. They put bacon on everything.   I think you can even get bacon and pulled pork on the vegetarian platter.”

We spent the evening there.

They packed their car in the morning, but Barbara was still 0 for 7 in the Scrabble games, and I was one win behind Jim, so we played one more for the road. Barbara finally whooped us.

They headed back to New Jersey and I took a nap. Managing a Bed & Breakfast is hard work. LOL

So, if you’re ever in the Lancaster area, you might want to consider staying at the Queen Suite on Queen Street, especially if you’re a good cook or good at fixing things.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl

I’m currently listening to an audio book by Liza Mundy called “Code Girls.” It’s the recently declassified story of the women code breakers in World War II. The book is basically a big thank you to the unsung heroes, who were not given much credit in their day, because, primarily, the work they did was Top Secret, and also because they were women in an era when women were not all that welcome in the military.

Codes and code breaking go back centuries, and most wars had their spies. The United States had its fair share of spies, until their number was greatly reduced during the Herbert Hoover Administration. President Hoover believed that “Gentlemen do not read other gentlemen’s mail.” Years later, the sneak attack bombing of Pearl Harbor taught us that Governments entrusted with protecting the lives of their citizens had damn well better start opening and reading the mail of those who threatened that safety.

At the beginning of World War II, while all available men were quickly being trained to do the fighting, the U.S. Government hired women mathematicians to break the enemies’ codes. Part of the training included informing them that the work they were doing was Top Secret, and that if they made any breach in this secrecy, they just might find themselves in front of a firing squad. Thus warned, the young women didn’t even tell their mothers what they were doing, and they remained unsung heroes until just recently.

I was drawn to this book, because I, too, had once been involved in the field of intelligence gathering when I was in the Navy. I worked on the Top-Secret Spy in the Sky Program. We were not threatened with facing a firing squad if we revealed our mission, but we were informed that a breach of security would entitle us to free room and board in the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. Fortunately, the Spy in the Sky program was declassified a few years ago, so I am now free to talk about it.  The Discovery Channel even had a show about it a few years ago.

We’ve all heard the admonition, “Loose lips sink ships,” and during my training we were treated to a few anecdotes about just how costly a slip of the tongue can be. My favorite was about the Cuban Missile Crisis, which I remembered well from my days of hiding under school desks to protect myself from atomic bombs.  You probably already know that American spy planes flew over Cuban and photographed the installation of Russian missile sites there, but do you know why President Kennedy sent the spy planes there in the first place? That’s the part I learned during my training.

The Intelligence community monitors all sorts of foreign communications, and one day they intercepted a telegram sent from Russia to Cuba. It was a simple thing, along the lines of “Happy Birthday, Ivan. Love, your wife.” Seems pretty harmless, because Cuba was a vacation spot for many Russians, but why didn’t the wife go on the vacation trip with her husband. Maybe the man wasn’t on vacation after all. Who was he? A little research turned up the fact that he was a Russian missile scientist. What was a Russian missile scientist doing in Cuba? Are the Russians building missile sites in Cuba? A few passes with spy planes and we had the answer. They were, and as Shakespeare and Sherlock Holmes would say, the game was afoot.

So far, my favorite story from the Code Girls book concerns the Battle of Midway. The Japanese had already delivered a crippling blow to the American Navy at Pearl Harbor. Now they wanted to deliver the coup de gras somewhere else. The “Code Girls” deciphered a Japanese message that the Japanese were planning a major attack on “AF” on a certain day. So, we knew when a major attack was coming, but we didn’t know where. We didn’t know what “AF” stood for. The Japanese had used secret two-letter codes for all the major targets instead of spelling out the complete names.

To get the Japanese to tip their hand, the women had the Navy send out different false messages from the most likely targets. One of these messages was sent from Midway declaring that they were desperately low on fresh water. Shortly thereafter, the U.S. intercepted and deciphered a coded Japanese message that they had learned that AF was running out of fresh water. That confirmed it. We now knew that AF was the secret Japanese code for Midway, and the Navy rushed everything they could to Midway. The historic victory in the Battle of Midway became the turning point for the U.S. in the war in the Pacific.  It also became a blockbuster movie.

On January 3^rd I celebrated the 47^th anniversary of my Honorable release from active duty. I’m glad that the Spy in the Sky project was finally declassified and I can stop worrying about going to Leavenworth for being a blabbermouth. I will wait a while before telling any revealing stories about the program, though, just in case the Intelligence community is monitoring this blog.

Peace & Love, and all of the above,

Earl